Beautiful Brutal Thing
Firstly I never thought I would ever write a story in this particular genre, but that just goes to show how wrong I can be. This story would not exist if it weren't for slash! My first slash story also happens to be from the POV of one of the protagonists - nothing like going in at the deep end, I suppose. I just hope it does justice to Marc Almond's powerful lyrics.
Secondly, sadly, they still don't belong to me and you have absolutely no idea how much I offered for them on e-bay! But they still belong to those folks in Hollywood. Grateful thanks to Mog for the ATF universe as well.
A couple of apologies: A) Still no Texan, just good old fashioned Anglo Saxon; B) I'm aware that the writing dips in the middle - it's a result of the way I tend to write longer stories and I can't seem to quite cure this; and C) I have no idea why Vin is so weepy except that that's the way the story wanted to write itself. And yes, I do know that three is more than a couple!
Love
Is a beautiful brutal thing
It sings at night like the wind
It stings your heart like a whip
It rocks your souls like a ship
And love
Is a beautiful brutal thing
It can mean everything
Or nothing at all
Such a feeling can make you tall
Or as small as a distant star
It's the cushion to break your fall
Love triumphs over all
He's come in late again; those damn shadows under his eyes darker than usual and I haven't the heart to reprimand him. He slips into his chair with a whispered "I's fine" to Nathan's concerned query. His usual reply - he'd never admit to hurting, however bad he is. I shrug as Nathan throws a quick glance in my direction then gesture slightly for him to join me and he does.
"Nathan?" I ask.
"Don't know, Chris. Could just be exhaustion but I think it's more than that."
"In what way?"
"Think he's got shadows other places than just his eyes."
"Physically?"
"...And emotionally," Nathan admits at last.
"Keep an eye on him, Nate."
"Sure thing."
It's the only thing we can do unless Vin decides to tell us what's wrong and a snowball would stand more chance in hell than we do of getting Vin to offer up information about himself. He's been on the team for a couple of years now and carved himself a niche in our hearts. We trust him with our lives and would do anything to protect him but a part of him remains detached from us and intensely private. We regret that it's so but accept it. To force Vin into unsolicited disclosures would be the path to his destruction so I just nod to Nathan as he leaves my office and watch as he stops by Vin's desk again and obviously gets the same response to his same query.
We all know Vin's gay and that he's in a relationship, so it's no real surprise when a tall, dark haired man walks into the office and crosses straight over to him. It has to be his "other half". He places a bag on Vin's desk and the Texan looks up in surprise but then I see the fear enter his eyes. He licks his lips - a sign I've come to recognise as being one of nervousness. I've never seen him afraid before and it rocks me. The look is soon gone when the shutters come down as he looks up at the man in front of him. But there's something missing in that look and it suddenly strikes me - there's no love in it. I sit up abruptly and watch them more closely.
They seem to be talking. Well, Vin's lover seems to be talking; Vin seems to be listening, although whether he's actually hearing what the man is saying is debateable. The dark haired man waves his arm, to emphasise a point I suppose, and I'm sure I see Vin flinch. I casually wonder into the outer office and lean against Buck's desk, trying to keep an eye on the sharpshooter and his lover whilst appearing to be looking through some reports. Vin's gaze begins to roam around the room, wanting to be anywhere than on his lover and he catches me watching. A slight flush covers his face, which would be appealing if I wasn't feeling guilty at having caused it, and he motions to his lover that they should leave the office. The man runs a finger down Vin's rosy cheek.
"Anything you say, baby," I hear him say, just loud enough for the whole room to hear, and I realise that he's staking his claim to Vin. Tanner blushes more deeply and bows his head so that he doesn't have to catch anyone's eye. They walk out; the man's hand resting on the small of Vin's back.
As the door swings shut behind them there's a collective sigh and I realise that every other team member has been watching the interaction with bated breath. No one says a word but their thoughts are almost audible. Buck takes the reports from my hands and I'm suddenly aware that I've been rolling them into tubes. He puts them under a heavy volume of federal law before turning to speak.
"He's hurting, Chris, inside. You could see it in his eyes when he looked at that man."
So I hadn't imagined it. I groan.
"Do you think I don't know that, Buck?"
"Chris you've got to talk to him," Buck continues.
"Yeah I know. But what do I say? I'm not his mother. Can't exactly tell him to break it off, can I?"
"You could tell him the truth."
"And what would that be, Buck?" I ask, looking up at him wearily. There's a strange look in his eye that I don't understand and I find myself wondering if I do know the truth but haven't admitted it. I walk back into my office and sit at my desk, vainly trying to sort through that day's paperwork.
I see them later, in the bathroom. I'm sitting in the stall when I hear Tanner's soft cat-like tread, followed by the sound of a running tap. I'm about to call out when I hear the door open again and footsteps I don't know come in. Sensing that it's Vin's lover I grow suddenly still and peep out through the crack of the door. Vin is backed up against the wall, his lover's hands resting on the cold tiles beside his face and his knee pressed between the sharpshooter's legs. He bends to kiss my Texan.
My Texan? Where the hell did that come from?
It looks as if Vin's going to turn his head away but, at the last minute, he doesn't and the man's lips descend ravenously upon the soft lips of the sharpshooter. He kisses Vin hard - possessively - his tongue obviously forcing its way into Tanner's enticing mouth. But it doesn't look as if Vin's kissing him back. His eyes are closed but it appears to be more in resignation than ecstasy, at least that's what I tell myself. The man moves his mouth down Vin's neck and throat, kissing hard. That's not how he should be kissing my Texan; he should be taking it slow, delivering butterfly-like kisses down the pliant flesh. As the man delivers a sharp bite to Vin's shoulder blade, Tanner's eyes open and he looks straight at me. His eyes open wider in dismay and he pushes ineffectually at his lover.
"Not here," he whispers but the man ignores him.
"Oh you're mine anywhere," he replies. "And where better than where you work?"
"No!" Vin gasps, pushing at him again. But his lover is having none of it. He places an arm across Vin's throat, pinning him to the wall and slowly cutting off his air as the other hand snakes down to the front of Vin's jeans. I can't see what he's doing but I know. Vin's eyes are glazing over but it's from lack of oxygen not pleasure. I'm frozen to the spot, unable to move to the aid of my Texan. Suddenly the man releases him and, pressing another brutal kiss on Vin's lips, leaves abruptly.
Once his lover has gone Vin rubs his throat, turns and places his hands on the sides of the nearest washbasin. He droops his head and I leave my stall.
"Vin?" I begin.
"I know, don't bring home into work," he mutters, pushing away from the sink and walking away from me towards the door. As he walks past I see the deep anguish in his eyes and the suspicion of tears.
"Vin..." I begin again.
"Don't, Chris, please," he begs with a catch in his voice as he walks out of the bathroom.
I wash my hands and follow him out, passing his lover who is waiting by the lifts. He gives me a cocky grin and I itch to smash his face into the wall. I walk into the outer office where Vin is already sitting back at his desk, staring at his computer screen but I'm absolutely certain that he isn't seeing what's on it. His eyes are blank and his whole face is expressionless. I cross over to him and, resting my hands on his desk, try to catch his eye.
"Vin, I know it's none of my business but...."
He lifts his eyes to mine, quickly shuttering out the dark despair I'm sure I see lurking in their depths.
"Yeah, you're right, Chris, it is none of your business."
"Fine," I reply tightly and turn back to my office.
The rest of the day seems interminable to me. I can't concentrate on the papers scattered across my desk and neither can the others judging by their expressions. Vin is struggling to carry on as normal but is obviously shaken by the events of the morning. He's trying to position snipers for a bust in a few weeks time but is finding it hard to concentrate, at least that's what the overflow of paper in his bin is telling me. He keeps rubbing his throat absent-mindedly. I'm not sure he realises that he's doing it. And strangely I want to go and put my arm around him and hold him to me, smoothing away his fear and despair. I want to feel my fingers running through his hair and whisper reassuring things in his ear. I try to put these thoughts from my mind but fail miserably.
Five o'clock arrives and I've never seen the team so keen to leave the office and get home. Vin collects his coat and moves across to the door. He stops, turns and our eyes meet for just a second. He lowers his head and that soft rose flush covers his cheeks. I long to run my finger gently down one of them and touch the corner of his soft mouth with my thumb. Then I shiver, remembering that his lover had touched him that way. He turns and is gone. I grab my jacket and look to see if everyone has left. Buck is still at his desk. He looks up as I enter the outer office.
"You go, Chris, I'll make sure everything's turned off."
I nod curtly and walk out.
Seeing that Vin hasn't taken his jeep I know that he hasn't gone home; so I start searching all the nearby bars until I find him in a small dark bar, seated at the back, his head resting on his arms. Quickly, before I lose my courage, I buy a couple of beers and walk across to him. Gently I place one by his hand and then slide into the seat opposite him. I'm not known for my patience but I wait for what seems like an age before he raises his head and wraps his hand round the glass. He doesn't pick it up, just sits staring at it.
"Vin are you happy?" Now what made me ask that? It's blatantly obvious that he's not and I know him too well to think that he'll admit it. He gives a short laugh.
"Happy? What's that?"
Instinctively my hand closes around his clenched fist and he looks down at it and then back up to me. For the second time today I see fear race through his eyes before the shutters snap down - closing me out. And, God knows, I don't want to be shut out of his life any longer; I want to be a part of it. I want that more than I've wanted anything since Sarah and Adam died. The realisation shakes me and I think Vin must see something in my eyes because he looks down and tries to draw his hand away from mine. But I hold on, rubbing my thumb ever so gently over his thumb. Keeping my clasp on his hand gentle but firm, I slide along my seat, move around the end of the table and slide up to where he is sitting. My thigh brushes inadvertently against his and I feel a pool of heat settling in my groin. His eyes turn back to me and he licks his lips; I can tell he's getting ready to run. I've seen him do it before when he's uncomfortable in a situation.
Gently I rest my forehead against his hair, subconsciously noting that it is as soft as I imagined and allowing myself to be enveloped by his masculine scent mingled with his shampoo. I feel his whole body stiffen; emotionally he's already running, if not physically.
"Please don't shut me out, Vin," I murmur in his ear.
"Chris..." he pleads but his voice is soft and lacking conviction.
I move my head and, catching his chin with my free hand, tilt his face so that I can look into his impossibly deep blue eyes that suddenly reveal depths of pain and despair.
"Vin," I breathe and before I really know what I'm doing, I'm kissing him; our tongues playing tonsil hockey with a ferocity I'd never thought possible. He moans against me and sinks into my embrace. I move my hand and rest it lightly against his throat and start stroking gently. His breathing quickens and then, suddenly, he gasps and pulls away, wrenching his hand from my hold.
"Don't...Can't...Mustn't," he whimpers and staggers to his feet. Without another look at me he runs. Runs from me. I'm devastated that he feels the need to get away from me - but there again I did kiss him!
I down the two beers sitting on the table, wondering what I could have done differently but I don't think I could've stopped myself from kissing him. I walk out of the bar and touch a finger to my lips; despite the beers I can still feel his soft lips against mine and taste the sweetness of his mouth. I retrieve my car and note that Vin's jeep has gone. As I drive home I try desperately to get my Texan out of my mind and to dispel my mental aberration but when I'm sitting on the couch, downing yet another beer, I know it's going take more than me talking myself out of it. With a deep sigh I run a cold shower and stand there for a long while feeling the water pulsing against my skin like fingers massaging my weary muscles. I close my eyes and find myself imaging that those fingers belong to a certain long haired sharpshooter. As soon as I realise where my thoughts are leading I turn the water off and curl up in my large, lonely bed.
I wake next morning with the sun in my eyes and a wet patch in the middle of the bed. It's a long time since I've had a wet dream and I quickly sweep the sheets into the linen basket. The others would think it funny; the tightly controlled Larabee so out of control. I shower, dress and head for the office, grabbing breakfast on the way. It's still early when I get there and I manage to settle to some real work at last. I'm aware of the others coming in; their soft calls to each other and the gentle ribbing of JD about his choice of breakfast. I carry on with my work, waiting for a certain person's arrival. Then there's a soft knock at the door and I look up. Vin's standing there just looking at me and my heart misses a beat.
"Chris," he mutters, "Gotta talk."
I beckon to him and he slips in quietly. He's whiter than usual.
"Vin?"
"Took...threatened me with a knife. Knows someone else kissed me."
"God, Vin, I'm ..."
"Not your fault."
Silence falls and I turn back to the papers on my desk, not knowing what to say, and I barely catch his whisper.
"Chris..."
"Vin?" I look up quickly at the tone in his voice. His eyes roll back into his head and his knees buckle. I leap across the distance between us and catch him as he falls, lowering him gently to the floor. There's something wet on my hand and I remove it to reveal - blood.
"Nathan!" I scream, my heart going cold within me. Jackson rushes in, closely followed by the others. I'm kneeling on the floor, cradling Vin's inert body and staring in horror at my bloody hand.
"Chris?" Nathan asks, dropping to his knees beside me. "Sit him up."
I do as I'm told and Jackson runs his hand down Tanner's side until he comes to the damp patch of blood on his shirt. He frowns.
"Get his jacket and shirt off," he instructs me. With Buck's help I remove Vin's clothes and JD gasps.
"Who?"
"That man he lives with," I reply through clenched teeth. JD looks at me in horror.
"But he loves Vin, doesn't he? You don't do this to someone you love."
Buck rests a hand gently on the youngster's shoulder.
"People do a lot of brutal things in the name of love," he says softly. "And I, for one, am not surprised that he could do this."
I'm only listening with half an ear as I watch Nathan make a thick pad and press it tightly to Vin's side in a bid to staunch the blood that is oozing sluggishly from the nasty knife wound. Josiah helps him tie the pad in place and I lay Vin back on the ground, aware that Ezra is standing by my desk and calling the paramedics.
The paramedics arrive quickly and, after a rapid yet thorough examination, they have Vin hooked up to drips and oxygen before loading him onto the gurney and pushing him down the corridors. I follow them without a word; my eyes fixed on Vin's face all the time. As they lift him into the ambulance I feel my jacket being thrust into my hands and Buck's voice rumbles softly in my ear.
"You go with him, Chris. We'll follow."
I scramble in after the gurney and sit down by Vin's head, trying to be as close to my Texan without getting in the way of the paramedics. As we're driven off I instinctively reach for his hand and clasp it tightly, willing him to know that we... I am there for him.
The hospital is expecting our arrival. They're used to us; every month, or so it seems, one of us is in there for one reason or another. To them it's just Vin's turn this time; for him it's personal rather than the result of a random act of violence. The gurney carries him through the sterile white passages and through the heavy swing doors into the emergency room. I stop outside, though it's hard, all I want to do is be there with him but I know from past experience that they won't let me. The others come in through the front entrance and join me.
"Did they say anything?" Nathan wants to know. I shake my head, finding myself reluctant to trust my voice. My eyes go back to the doors behind which my Texan is fighting for his life. Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck begin to rise and I turn to face the entrance. The others turn with me, sensing my unease. Coming through the door, shouting and cursing is Vin's lover. He storms along the passage to where we stand and instinctively we form a protective barrier between the man and the doors through which they've just wheeled Vin. He glares at us all, wanting to push past but not quite daring to.
"So, which of you bitches kissed him?" he snarls instead.
Bitches?
There's a pause as five jaws hit the floor and then I take a step forward.
"I guess that would be me," I say and I feel the startled gazes of the others turn to me.
He moves towards me and I know he's going to hit me but before he gets too close five bodies put themselves between us.
"I wouldn't if I were you," Josiah rumbles in warning. "Hitting a federal officer is an offence."
"As is stabbing them," Buck adds pointedly.
"Stabbing?" He seems to gulp. "Is that what he told you?"
"He didn't need to," Nathan says.
"How can you love Vin and then do that to him?" JD blurts out.
"Because I do love him, I wouldn't do that to him," the man responds quickly, too quickly. JD is about to argue with him but Buck lays a restraining hand on the youngster's arm. I'm glad; this is not the place or time to have an argument or fight with this man not when my Texan is lying in there unconscious and alone. I have to fight my inclination to push through the doors and go to his bedside. It's a stand off as he glowers at us and we try to ignore him; all of us waiting to hear about Vin. Hours later, it seems, a doctor comes to the doors. He looks around at us all, sensing the icy atmosphere and then finally his gaze stops on me.
"He's awake now," he tells me. "He says he doesn't want anyone but as you hold power of attorney I suggest that you go and see him anyway."
I nod at him and make a start for the doors only to find my way blocked.
"I'm his lover," the man says. "It's my right to be there not his boss." The doctor looks at him coldly.
"Do you have a piece of paper stating that you are either next of kin or hold power of attorney?"
"No."
"Then in that case I can't admit you."
"Why you little..." the man growls, grabbing the doctor by the coat lapels. Immediately all hell lets loose as a claxon sounds, hospital security rushes in and grapples with Vin's lover and my team join in the affray. Amongst all this I slip through the doors and walk swiftly along the passage looking in every room for my Texan.
I find him in the end cubicle, still linked up with all sorts of tubes to all sorts of equipment. His face is grey and he's breathing painfully. His eyes are closed and I'm not sure that he isn't asleep. Now I'm there I'm strangely reluctant to go in and I hover at the door. He must have felt my presence for suddenly his eyelids flutter open and he looks directly at me.
"Go home, Chris. I's okay. You can leave me."
"Can't do that, cowboy," I whisper and cross over to the bed. I pull a chair up beside his head, but he turns away from me.
"Don't have to sit there," he mutters.
"Yes, I do," I say and lay the back of my hand gently on his cheek amongst the tubes. He sighs softly and turns back to face me. There are tears in his eyes and I stroke his cheek.
"It's all right, Vin," I whisper, "It's going to be all right."
"It's never going to be all right, Chris," he whispers back and I brush away the tears that fall.
Seeing him lying there, looking so young and vulnerable, I know that I'm in love with him; probably have been for months if I'm honest with myself; but I'm too late, he's another man's. Could he have been mine if I'd made a move earlier? I sigh as I realise that all I can do now is help him through this as a friend. He lets my hand rest on his cheek for a few seconds and then abruptly jerks his head away, wincing as a tube pulls, as if he's suddenly realised what he's doing.
"Is...?" he begins nervously
"He outside? Yeah, he's outside."
"Should be here, not you." He's finding it hard to talk.
"Why?" I demand. "So he can finish what he started?"
Vin flinches at my words.
"You don't understand, Chris."
"Damn right I don't understand. I'm with JD on this one. I don't understand how anyone who has the chance to make their life with someone as beautiful as you can do something as brutal as this!"
"Don't Chris, please..." he whispers and struggles to sit up. Suddenly he starts to cough and the sheets are flecked with blood. He looks at me in abject terror and I hit the panic button. Nurses and doctors rush in and bundle me out. I make my way back through those heavy doors and Nathan sees me come back.
"Chris, how...?
"He's coughing up blood," I say. "They're looking after him now."
"What the hell did you do to him?" Vin's lover snarls, leaping towards me.
"Chris isn't the one who stabbed Vin," JD retorts as Buck and Josiah step closer.
"I thought there was a law in this country that says you're innocent until proven guilty," the man snaps back.
"Oh there is," I reply quietly, "And I intend to prove your guilt."
He glowers at me and I know that, given half a chance, he would like to lay into me. He opens his mouth to say something but at that point the doctor arrives again.
"How's Vin?" JD asks.
"We've got him stabilised." He turns to Vin's lover. "He's asking for you." The doctor can't keep the disgust and concern from his voice. The man has known Vin since he joined the team and, like the rest of us, has fallen under the young Texan's spell, prepared to do anything to protect him and he clearly does not like the lover.
Meanwhile Vin's lover gives me a cocky "I've won" grin and follows the doctor through the doors. Buck places a restraining hand on my arm as I move to follow.
"There's nothing you can do, Chris," he says so softly that only I can hear. "Vin's asked for him."
I pace up and down outside the emergency room for what seems like hours and all the time he's in there with my Texan. The others take it in turn to go and get something to eat and drink. Buck is the last and he brings me back a coffee and a sandwich. I don't want it but I eat it. I have to keep going for Vin's sake; I have to be there if he needs me. Finally the doctor comes out again.
"We're moving Vin to intensive care now," he says. "That man is going with him." He looks directly at me. "I suggested to Vin that he might like you to accompany him up but he got hysterical at the mere suggestion so I didn't push it." He pauses. "I'm sorry, Chris."
"Not your fault, doc," I manage to say but in reality I'm devastated at Vin's rejection. Before that man appeared on the scene I was the only one Vin allowed near him at times like this and now it seems as if he's trying to sever all connections between us. Knowing that he won't want me, I walk out of the hospital and return to the office. I can feel five pair pairs of astounded eyes on me but I can't explain any of this to them.
Two days later and the hospital calls to say that Vin is out of intensive care. I've spent that time drawing up the paperwork so that he can charge his lover. It never occurs to me that Vin won't want to press charges against the man so I push the papers into my case and drive over to the hospital. I feel happy to be seeing Vin again but can't help wondering how he'll react to me as I hurry along the corridors to the private room where I've been told he is.
Finally I reach the room and knock at the door. Why the hell did I do that? I usually walk straight in. I hear him call for me to come in so I enter quietly. He looks up and then frowns at me. His face becomes closed and he looks back down at the sheets, clutching them tightly.
"Don't want you here," he mutters.
I collect my thoughts together and try to appear nonchalant and workmanlike. God it's difficult with him lying there in pain.
"This is an official visit, Vin. I've brought the paperwork for you to sign so that we can charge ..."
"I ain't pressing charges, Chris."
"Well, I as sure as hell am."
"No, Larabee, please."
The use of my surname jolts me. Have we drifted that far apart? Did I do that to him when I kissed him? When I let him know how much I cared for him?
"Last time I looked in the rule book it was still an offence to attack a federal officer." I try to keep the conversation on a businesslike footing, despite the plea in his voice.
"And I sure as hell ain't letting you charge him; you hear me Larabee?" Vin snarls back at me.
"Oh I hear you, Tanner, but you can't let him go on hurting you like this. Please, Vin, let me help you walk away from him." My voice softens as I try to persuade him.
"I ain't listening to you," he begins, still angry. "Can't listen to you," he continues more quietly. "Mustn't listen to you," he all but whispers so that I have to strain to hear him. "Please, Chris, don't make me choose." He lifts his puppy dog eyes up to mine.
"Choose between what?" I ask, totally confused. "Help me out here, Vin, I seem to be losing the plot."
"Don't make me choose between you and him 'cause he'll win every time despite..." his voice drifts away.
"Despite what, Vin?" I ask softly; hopefully.
"Nothing," he sighs. "Just don't make me choose. It would kill me."
"Vin, you've made a good life for yourself here, with people who care about you. Don't let him destroy all that," I continue softly. His eyes fill with tears and, without thinking, I wipe at them with my thumb.
"I owe him for so much," he whispers. "I can't do that to him."
"Whatever it is you feel you owe him, surely you've repaid him in full by now?" I say.
"Will never have repaid him," Vin mutters and then his head shoots up and I see the fear enter his eyes again. I turn to see that his lover has entered the room. He glares at me as I rise from where I'm bending over the bed.
"What are you doing here?" he snarls.
"I brought the charge papers for Vin to sign," I reply softly.
"And did he?" God the man is so cocky! He clearly knows that Vin won't do that.
"No, he didn't," I say and he grins. "But," I hiss, slamming the papers into his chest, "lay another finger on him and I swear that I'll charge you with everything I can throw at you."
"Ooh, promises promises," he says, pushing past me. He crosses to the bed and bends over to kiss Vin on the lips. I can't watch them together so turn and leave the room.
The next few weeks see us planning the bust thoroughly and I've managed to find Vin's sniper notes. We've allocated all the positions except the one that Vin had earmarked for himself. Finding a replacement for the Texan isn't easy and on the very day of the bust we're still trying to make a decision. I'm pouring over the ATF's best sharpshooters when Buck touches me lightly on the shoulder and I turn to see Vin standing in the doorway, leaning heavily on his lover.
"He wants to watch your backs," the man hisses, glaring at us all, "Though I can't for the life of me think why!"
"It's my job," Vin reminds him softly, but I hear an edge to his voice that I've never heard him use with the man before. Buck obviously hears it because he raises an eyebrow at me and the man hears it too because he bridles.
"Fine go be a hero; but just remember who'll have to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart - again."
It's the first time I've heard either of them refer to their past and the first real clue to the man's hold over Vin. From our conversations in the hospital I've come to believe that my Texan feels obligated to him in some way and this seems to confirm it - it would explain a lot. Vin's eyes darken as his lover speaks.
"It's not gonna fall apart," he says, stressing each word. His lover does not like this reply and he lets go of Vin abruptly.
"See you tonight," he snaps and walks off, leaving my Texan swaying slightly.
Vin leans heavily against the doorframe, breathing heavily, and then moves into the office. He manages a couple of steps and then his legs give way and only JD's quickness saves him from falling. We settle Vin in a chair and get on with our discussions as his breathing calms and his face loses some of its greyness. We come round to the question of the missing sniper again.
"It'll have to be Harris from Team 3," I say at last.
"That's my position," Vin says quietly.
"You can't even stand," I point out.
"Don't need to stand," Vin gets out through gritted teeth. "Just get me up there, sit me down and I'll watch your backs as I always do."
"Vin, you can't..."
"Yes, I can, Chris. I need to do this. Please."
I look helplessly round at the others and see that they all support him. So it's agreed and we finalise the plans.
We settle Vin in his vantage point on the catwalk at the top of the warehouse and take up our own positions. He's seated with his rifle resting on the lower rail covering the area where Ezra is going to make the buy with his sharp eyes. As weak as he is, his hands are steady and even in this state we all trust him more than we would any other sharpshooter.
For once the bust goes sweetly and Vin's skills aren't called for. We round up the dealers and get them off to jail and then go to help Vin down. As we come along the catwalk he pulls himself to his feet and turns to look at us, swaying slightly. I put an arm round his waist and take his full weight as he moves slowly along the narrow walkway. Suddenly and unnervingly his lover is there, glaring at us. Vin stops in surprise.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he hisses. "This is off limits to non-ATF personnel."
"Oh I have my methods," he grins irritatingly. Vin closes his eyes and I feel a shudder run through his body.
"You're not going to start that again, are you?" he asks.
"Got to take care of you, baby."
Vin's only response is to lean even more heavily against me, if that's possible, whilst all I want to do is throw up.
"I'll take him now," he tells me reaching out for Vin's arm but Vin flinches away.
"No, I'm all right with Chris. Let him take me down."
His lover glowers but the catwalk is too narrow to make a scene on and anyway Buck and Josiah take him by the elbows and turn him, propelling him towards the steps down. Vin and I slowly follow the others , wreathed in silence. As we reach the bottom, the man reaches for Vin and all but tears him from my grasp. Vin moans in pain at the sudden movement and slumps into his lover's arms. I'm not sure that's exactly where he wants to be at the moment but his weakness gives him no option. JD takes a step forward in concern only to have the man swing Vin away from him and my Texan is frogmarched towards a waiting car. As the man bundles Vin into the car we hear him yelp again and know that he has to be hurting badly.
"Chris..." Buck begins.
"What do you want me to do that's legal?" I cut in.
"Don't know," he shrugs. "But I can't stand seeing that boy treated like that."
"You and me both. But as he won't press charges...." my voice trails off.
"So we have to wait until he kills Vin?" Buck snaps back.
"We just have to pray that it won't come to that," Josiah says, resting a hand on both our shoulders.
We don't see Vin for several days and then one morning he's standing in the doorway of the outer office. As Buck calls me from my office I look across at my Texan sharply. His face is grey and etched with pain.
"I've been discharged completely," he tells us, although his eyes are on me alone. "Don't want to be at home. Can I come back to work, please?"
"Would you pass the physical?" I ask him gently.
"Probably not," he replies with a sigh. "Deskwork, anything," he pleads and I know that there is something terribly wrong going on. Vin and deskwork have never seen eye to eye.
"Okay, give it a try today," I tell him - anything to keep him out of that man's hands and near me.
"Thanks, Chris," he whispers and stumbles over to his desk, dropping into his chair with a soft moan. We all look at him with concern and he must feel it because he glares at us all.
"I's all right," he tells us with as much firmness as he can muster but I can read otherwise in his eyes and I'm sure the others can too. I shoot a quick glance across at Nathan and he nods. I return to my office, safe in the knowledge that Nate will do all he can to ascertain Vin's true condition.
It's difficult to concentrate on my work when I know he's out there, hurting. Eventually Nathan sidles into the room and I look up at him.
"Anything?" I ask without much hope.
"Other than he's in pain?" Nate responds. "No."
"Didn't think he'd tell us," I mutter turning back to the papers on my desk.
"He won't tell me," Jackson says, "But he might tell you."
"I doubt that very much," I tell him, convinced that I'm the last person in the world that Vin would confide in now.
"You can but try, Chris."
"I know, Nate. I'll try."
The hands on the clock crawl round agonisingly slowly until they reach one o'clock. The others all make their way out of the office, leaving Vin behind. Not that they ignored him; I saw each and every one of them stop to speak to him and him shaking his head in response. Finally he's left sitting behind his desk, his face scrunched up in pain, and I'm left in my office, standing in the doorway watching him. He must feel my eyes on him because he looks up abruptly and then yelps. Immediately I cross the space between us.
"What's the matter, Vin?"
"Nothing."
"You don't yelp for nothing, Vin. Now, what's wrong?"
He's biting the inside of his cheek as he turns away. I gently cup his chin in my hand and turn him to face me. I can see tears and pain in his eyes.
"Vin?"
"Guess I hurt a mite," he admits softly.
"A mite?" I repeat. "Let Nate take a look, Vin."
His eyes slide away from me in panic and he licks his lips, shaking his head as he does so.
"Can't," he mutters.
"Then go home and rest," I suggest, waiting to see what his reaction will be. He wrenches his head from my hand and staggers to his feet, trying to back away from me.
"No, got to stay and work. Can't let the others do all my work."
"They don't mind. They understand. Go home," I press him.
He shakes his head again.
"Don't you want me here?" he whispers miserably. I close the short distance between us and place my hands gently on his shoulders.
"Of course I want you here," I reply. "You must know how I feel about you by now but I know you aren't free and I also know that you shouldn't be here in this state. You've done a morning now go home and rest."
He looks undecided and I unhook his jacket from the back of his chair and press it into his hands.
"Go home," I insist.
He looks up at me, his eyes dull.
"He's there," he admits to me then. "He didn't want me to come in this morning but I couldn't stay. Had...had to get out."
"Sit in a bar for the afternoon," I suggest to him.
He nods thoughtfully and licks his dry, cracked lips.
"Sounds good," he agrees, taking hold of his jacket. "Yes, think I'll do that." He starts to move slowly and painfully towards the door and then turns back to me with fear in his eyes.
"I can come tomorrow?" he asks.
"Yes, you can come tomorrow," I assure him, against my better judgment. He should be at home, wrapped warmly in bed and being looked after by a kind caring lover but that's not the reality and I'm aware that that is not what would be waiting for him at home; so it's better that he's in the office amongst people who do care and will look out for him.
"Thanks," he whispers and walks out leaving me to face Nathan's wrath when the others return from lunch.
From then on Vin comes in to the office on a daily basis for the morning and then retreats to his own private bolthole for the afternoon. Gradually we see his physical hurts healing but the emotional hurts continue to worsen until one day I walk quietly into the outer office and across to where he sits staring at the screen in front of him; his face screwed up with the effort of deciphering the words on it.
"Lunch, Vin?" I ask quietly. He jumps and I'm appalled that the man so renowned for hearing the slightest sound has been unaware of my approach. He looks up at me with something akin to panic in his face and licks his lips nervously before shaking his head quickly.
"Don't think I should," he whispers, his eyes downcast and his dark lashes sweeping tantalising semi circles against his pale cheeks.
"It's only lunch," I point out gently. "And I won't kiss you again, I promise." He looks up at that and I spot something indefinable swirling in the dark blue depths of his eyes. It's hard not to grab him by the shoulders and kiss him until he's senseless but I resist, even though I'm aware that I'm as hard as I've ever been. Fighting to keep my emotions and my wayward cock in check I smile at him.
"Lunch?" I repeat. This time he returns my smile with a small one of his own, inclining his head ever so slightly in that coy way he has that has had frissons of heat running to my groin for weeks now. I clench my fists tightly at my side to stop myself from touching him, knowing that platonic has gone out of the window where Vin's concerned.
Lunch is unusually strained. We've never been ones for talking, Vin and I, but it's usually been a companionable silence. This time it's a silence fraught with tension, a tension that is speaking louder than we have ever done. Vin keeps his eyes averted and picks at his food like a bird, either unable or unwilling to eat. Despite this I tuck into my own burger and fries with gusto, my libido manifesting itself in hunger since I can't have the sex I want or rather I can't have sex with the man I want. I'm sure I could fuck anyone else if I wanted.
I finish and wipe my mouth, eyeing up Vin's plate thoughtfully. His hand and fork are resting lightly against the edge of the plate. I look at his slumped shoulders and sense that he's close to giving up on everything. I can't stand it any longer and, taking a deep breath, reach out and close my hand over his. He starts violently and tries to pull away from me but I hold on tightly.
"Look at me, Vin." It's my best boss voice, full of command, and he looks up, all attempts to loosen my hand forgotten. "You've got to eat," I continue, gentling my tones. "You're no good to me half starved. I need my team to be strong."
"No good to you anyway," he mumbles under his breath and I only just catch the words. I squeeze his hand.
"You're part of my team," I assure him, "and nothing is going to change that. Not the way I feel about you; not your relationship with this man - nothing. Do you understand?"
He nods miserably; his face up turned towards me but his eyes downcast, away from mine. I've never known a time when Vin hasn't been able to look me straight in the eye and it hurts. Suddenly he stiffens and looks across at the door, a haunted expression crossing his face.
"Let go of me," he hisses, frantically trying to release his hand from mine. I let go of him abruptly, more abruptly than I intend, and he jerks backwards and upright; his eyes fixed on the door. I don't turn round because I can sense his lover's approach. His shadow falls over us.
"What's this?" he snarls. "A lover's tryst?"
Vin tries to look at him and smile but fails.
"Lunch," I reply breezily. "Join us?"
"Lunch?" he sneers. "Do you bring all your colleagues out for lunch and hold their hands?"
"It has been known," I lie. I hear Vin gasp ever so slightly and turn startled eyes to me. His lover catches the movement and frowns. Leaning forward he rests both his hands on the table, bringing his face directly in line with mine. I suppose he's hoping to intimidate me, but it's failing. All I can see is what a pathetic piece of shit he really is. And I wonder again about what sort of hold he has over Vin.
"Vin is mine," the man snarls. "Always has been; always will be; until death do us part - as the saying goes. Isn't that right, Vin?" He's so cocksure of himself that he doesn't even bother to look across at his lover. But I can see my gentle Texan's face; the sweat glistening on his brow; the fear and resignation in his eyes, eyes that are looking everywhere except at us. I see his full, kiss-me lips tremble as he replies softly in the affirmative. "You see?" the man continues. "I know it, Vin knows it and no cowboy is ever going to come between us."
I see Vin's face blanch and he puts his hand over his mouth, gagging as he does so. Quickly he gets to his feet and pushes past the man. His arm is grabbed roughly and a hand runs through his hair doing what I can only dream of doing.
"Where're you going gorgeous?" he croons.
"Feel sick," Vin mumbles from behind his hand and, breaking his lover's hold, dashes for the door.
"Well, aren't you going to go after him?" I ask.
"Who? Vin? No, he can take care of himself. I'm more interested in taking care of you. You can't come between us, you know. Others have tried and failed or..." He leaves the threat hanging in the air between us. I laugh. I don't mean to but he is just so pathetic and, not surprisingly really, he hits me. I reel at the blow but gather myself and lash back with all the anger that has been building up in me of late. He topples backwards and for one moment stands there teetering on the brink of collapse, his arms flailing wildly, and then he drops like a stone bringing one of the tables and some chairs crashing down around him.
Without stopping to check the man which, in hindsight, is not a good move on my part, I rush out to find Vin. He's leaning over the trash cans gagging and retching and I suspect that what little he did manage to eat at lunch has long since been thrown up. I rest a hand on his back, feeling the violent heaving of his whole body.
"Oh, god," he groans. "Hate being sick. Make it stop, Chris, please." Despite my concern for him I'm flattered that he senses that it's me and not that other man who's there. I rub his back gently until the heaving finally stops and he collapses back against me, whimpering. Using the back of my hand I push his sweat sodden curls out of his eyes and off his face. His eyes are half closed and he's breathing heavily from his exertions as his body rests against mine, causing all sorts of feelings to course through me. Even in this state he's beautiful.
Fighting the desire to run my hands up and down his inviting contours, I content myself with folding my arms around him and supporting him while he recovers. Slowly his breathing comes under control and his eyes flutter open looking up at me. He smiles and once again I feel the breath snatched from my body in awe.
"Chris," he sighs and seems to snuggle deeper into my arms. Or is it just wishful thinking on my part? Without a second thought, I drop a kiss on the top of his head.
"Oh, Vin," I sigh and tighten my hold into a hug.
And then the world explodes as a hand grabs me from behind and I'm dragged unceremoniously backwards. I see Vin fall forward out of my arms and into the trash cans even as I'm swung round. Fleetingly I recognise his lover as a large fist connects with my jaw and stars fly. I hear Vin scream my name as the ground comes up to meet me with a sickening thud.
I awake with the metallic taste of blood in my mouth and a thousand pneumatic drills going in my head. As I stretch cautiously, everything seems to hurt but, thankfully, nothing appears to be broken. I sit up gingerly and then wish I hadn't as my head swims uncontrollably and I find myself retching. It's dark and I wonder vaguely if I've gone blind but then I notice a small chink of light that is clearly coming from under a door and realise that I'm not blind, just in a room with the light off.
I hear footsteps approaching and suddenly I remember everything, especially that bastard's fist smashing into my face. I wonder where I am and why I'm there. Surely even Vin's lover isn't stupid enough to murder an ATF officer? A good old fashioned fist fight over a loved one, yes, but murder? Surely not? But even as I think this I realise that the man has never shown himself to be reasonable in anything. In fact almost the opposite. I shiver at the thought but it's not my current predicament that concerns me as, once again, I wonder what hold the man has over Vin that my sharpshooter feels he has to stay with him despite everything.
The handle turns and I squeeze my eyes shut as the bright light pours in. There's a harsh laugh and I force myself to open them and look over to where Vin's lover is standing in the doorway, framed by the brightness, looking at me with such intense hatred etched in every line of his face that I shudder involuntarily. I try to repress the movement as soon as it has begun, knowing that I can't allow him to see any weakness in me, but he spots it and smiles.
All at once he steps into the room and crosses the short distance between us. He bends over and I can smell alcohol on his breath. Then he grabs my arm painfully.
"On your feet," he hisses, pulling me up. I consider fighting him but it's as if he reads my mind.
"Don't even think about it," he murmurs, "otherwise Vin..." The threat is palpable and I freeze. Reluctantly I allow him to steer me out of the door and along a long corridor. He flings a second door open with a loud clatter and I can see past him into a large storage area.
"Where are we?" I ask.
"You don't want to know." I hear Vin's voice whisper in response and instinctively turn in his direction. He's lying on a filthy pallet; his hair still plastered across his brow; his face ashen and his eyes dull and lifeless, staring at me.
His lover pushes me across the room towards a chair that is resting precariously on three and a half legs. He forces me down into it and then lashes my hands and feet tightly to it with a piece of dirty, unravelling twine. He takes my face in his two hands and kisses me; forcing his tongue into my mouth with a strength that's surprising. I can taste the alcohol on it as it brushes against mine.
A low wail comes from across the room, followed by unsteady footsteps. Vin's lover releases me and moves away to meet my Texan as he weaves his way towards us. He wraps an arm round him and holds him firmly.
"You think you love Vin?" he calls out to me. "You think you know what love is? Well, I'm going to show you." He punctuates each sentence by running his tongue round the outside of Vin's ear causing the younger man to shiver.
"See?" he continues triumphantly. "I'm irresistible to him." Somehow I doubt the veracity of that remark but now is not the time nor the place to argue with the man. Not when he's holding my Texan's sanity, maybe his life, in the palm of his sweaty hands. Vin moans but I don't think it's because of what's being done to him; I think he's hurting, inside and out. No, not think I know he's hurting; I can feel it, added to my own dull pain.
The man bends his head and captures Vin's sweet mouth in his; kissing him so hard that I'm sure I'll see the impression of his lips round my Texan's when he eventually pulls away. He catches my sharpshooter as he sways from lack of oxygen and half drags, half carries him back to the pallet. He favours me with a cruel look even as he pushes Vin down.
"You think you know what love is?" he repeats softly. "Well, I'm going to show you and then I'm going to kill you."
Vin sits bolt upright at that and, for the first time in days, I see a spark of life in his eyes.
"No," he snaps and lashes out at his lover. The man catches his arms easily and pushes his face into Vin's.
"So, you're in a fighting mood, are you? That's going to make this so much more exciting."
"You're getting nothing from me," Vin spits out, even as his arms are wrestled behind his back. I can only watch helplessly as the man bears him backwards down onto the pallet; covering my Texan's beautiful lithe body with his own thick set frame. With one hand he continues to hold Vin's hands beneath them and with the other begins to undo the buttons of my Texan's shirt; no mean feat as Vin twists and turns trying to escape him. Finally the shirt falls away and I can see the toned muscular body of my sharpshooter. For a moment Vin stops fighting, trying to regain his breath, and his lover takes the opportunity to bite down hard. Vin screams in pain as the teeth sink into his shoulder and his body arches upwards, pressing itself close in to that man's, trying to dislodge him and his unwelcome advances.
I struggle to get free of my bonds, desperate to go to the aid of my Texan, but in vain; the bastard certainly knows how to tie knots. I can only watch as that man proceeds to undress Vin, open his own pants and then force himself into that sweet body, without preparation, again and again. I try to close my eyes against the sight but, every time I do, he presses a knife to Vin's throat and I am forced to witness the whole sordid scene.
At first Vin struggles and screams but by the end he is lying as limp as a rag doll, allowing the man to do anything his sadistic brain dreams up, and I'm afraid for my Texan's life. Eventually the bastard pulls out for the final time and rolls off Vin, who whimpers. The sound is like music to my ears because I know that he is still alive but I am horrified by the pitiful bundle that is revealed. Vin's lover stands and turns to face me, making no attempt to hide his cock from me. He approaches with a swagger and waves it in my face.
"See, I have what you can never have," he sneers. "Vin."
"Bastard," I hiss through clenched teeth, my eyes never leaving Vin's broken body.
He laughs as he proceeds to set himself to rights and walk over to the door.
"I'm going to have a rest now, boys," he smirks. "I suggest you do the same so you're ready for round two."
God, I so want to fling myself at that man's throat and tear it out with my bare hands but out of the corner of my eye I see Vin's eyes flutter and immediately turn my attention back to him. As he opens the door, Vin's lover turns and look back at both of us with something akin to thoughtfulness before he leaves us alone in the cold empty room.
Alone at last I manage to "walk" the chair across to the pallet where Vin is lying broken and bruised. As I set it down beside him my Texan moans and turns to look at me - all the hurt of the past hours in his eyes.
"So sorry, Chris," he whispers through swollen lips. All that's been done to him and he's apologising to me!
"It's not your fault," I murmur back. "None of this is your fault. If anything it's mine. If I hadn't acted as the catalyst...."
He smiles painfully at that.
"Catalyst huh? You've been hanging round Ezra for too long!"
I'm relieved to see his sense of humour hasn't been completely driven from him so I smile down at him. He regards the chair with his dull eyes.
"Turn round, Chris, I'll see if I can untie the knots."
"I doubt it. Your boyfriend sure knows his knots."
"I taught him," Vin admits guiltily and I don't want to ask why he taught him so turn round and away from him. All at once I feel his weakened figures tugging at the ropes; his flesh rubbing against mine and I close my eyes. If I was a cat I'm sure I would be purring. Before long I feel the twine snaking to the ground behind me.
"Good job," I whisper, turning to him.
"Thank you," he whispers back, looking away.
I stand unsteadily and then sit down beside him on the pallet - more by accident than design because my ankles are so weak from being tied up for so long. I reach out to cover his body as best I can with the torn remnants of his shirt but as my fingers brush against a nipple he moans everso slightly and I find myself running my hands lightly over his torso, trying to etch into my memory a brief sketch of what I can never have.
"Don't," he whispers. "Please, Chris."
I snatch my hand away as if it's been burnt and he looks up at me.
"Go, Chris. Leave here while you can."
"I'm not going without you, Vin."
He shakes his head despairingly.
"My place is at his side. You'd better have my resignation now".
"I'm not accepting your resignation," I snap back. "You're part of my team and it's going to stay that way."
"After this?" he asks. "It'll never be the same again and you know it. He's taken from me the one good thing in my life once again. It's best if you just go and forget me."
"Forget? God, Vin, I'll never forget you!"
"You must try," he wails and I can't help it. I bend and gather him into my arms, pressing my lips to his. He arches beautifully into me, moulding his body to fit perfectly with mine. But just as I begin to deepen the kiss he stiffens and pushes me away.
"He's coming back," he whispers, eyes wide and terrified. "Go, Chris. Go while you have the chance."
"Not without you," I insist.
He waves his arm, indicating his wretched state.
"I wouldn't make it," he sighs, "even if I wanted to. And I don't." The last is said with a finality that I find hard to accept.
"Vin..."
"No more arguments, Chris. Go," he says, turning his back to me.
Reluctantly I stand and hobble my way over to the door. Once there I stop and turn. He's twisted towards me, watching me walk out of his life as, I suppose, he sees it; only I'm not. If he thinks that then he knows me less well than I think he does but it still takes all my will power to open the door and walk away as I see his tears begin to flow.
How I manage to avoid the bastard on my way out I don't know. Everything in me screams out to find the man and kill him with my bare hands. But, luckily, there's a small voice of reason - Vin's? - deep down which tells me not to be an idiot. I can't take him on my own and if I did kill him and was jailed or put on death row for murder what would that do to my Texan whose sanity is hanging by a thread?! So I creep on, feeling my way through the unfamiliar surroundings in the semi-darkness, until at long last I lean against a section of wall that gives way under my weight to reveal a door to the outside.
The sun is low in the sky, shining straight into my eyes and I have absolutely no idea how long I've been incarcerated in that warehouse. I sigh. Vin's right. I've been hanging out with Ezra far too long; his vocabulary is rubbing off on me. I catch myself smiling as I hear the Southener's drawling banter mixed with Texan wisecracks in my mind. Then I shake myself. This isn't helping Vin.
I stagger towards the sound of cars and find that I'm on the freeway and, in point of fact, not far from our offices. Locating a call box I punch in the emergency number, bark my personal reference at the lady on the switchboard and find myself drowning in Buck's worried response.
"Chris, where the fucking hell have you been?"
"Good to speak to you too, Buck."
"Do you know how long you've been gone?"
"No, but I'm sure you're going to enlighten me."
"Long enough to consider calling out the National Guard."
"That long, huh?"
"And Mr Tanner?" Ezra's concerned voice cuts in to the conversation.
"He's bad." I choke on the words. "He r...he's bad."
"Where are you stud?" Buck asks gently, probably sensing that I'm close to tears.
"Junction of third and eighth."
"We're on our way."
"Buck..."
"Yep?"
"Hurry. I'm afraid he'll kill him this time."
"Gotcha."
Now I know the cavalry's on its way I want, no need, to go back and extricate (thanks, Ezra) Vin from the whole sordid situation. Without another thought I wend my weary way back to that warehouse of hell and degradation where I've left the other half of my soul. I push the door open gently and walk straight into the arms of my Texan's lover... no, scrub that, torturer.
"Knew you wouldn't leave him...couldn't leave him," he says and I see jealousy flare in his eyes. "Such devotion. Never seen it before except..."
"Except in the way Vin is with you?" I snarl. "God, what did you ever do that he feels he has to stay with you no matter what? Why does he allow you to treat him and degrade him like you do?"
"I rescued him from hell," he replies.
"And put him in another," I snap back.
He draws back from me at that.
"Another kind of hell?" He ponders the thought for a while. "No, what Vin and I have is pure and beautiful."
I can see that he believes what he is saying.
"What you have is brutal and ugly," I say pointedly.
"Two sides of the same coin," he murmurs as he pins my arms behind me and manhandles me in front of him along the dark corridor, not caring that he's treading on my heels as we go.
I can't tell whether we're retracing my footsteps or not and I don't really care. I just know that we are getting closer to Vin. I can feel his pain as if it was mine and it grows with every step I take. Eventually we reach the large cavernous storage area and I'm pushed inside; my relief at seeing Vin again is mixed with the palpable sense of his fear and hurt that washes over me.
Without warning the man pushes me forward onto my knees and I can't keep back the gasp as my knees hit the concrete floor. At the sound Vin struggles to turn around and, as he catches sight of me, his face crumbles and he moans softly. So softly that the sound itself is inaudible, but I sense it and flinch, aware that it is as much from despair that I have been recaptured as it is from pain.
Vin's lover draws a gun from his waistband and waves it at me.
"Move," he snarls.
I make to stand up but he hits me over the back with the barrel of the gun.
"On your knees," he instructs.
Painfully I walk forward on my knees until we are within spitting distance of the pallet and Vin. Pushing the muzzle of the gun into my abdomen, he reaches down with his free hand and pulls Vin towards him, pressing his lips once again to my Texan's. As he lets go of Vin, he smiles and licks his lips, a look of hunger passing across his face.
"Now, gorgeous, I'm just going to break in your boss here and then we're going to have ourselves a threesome. Strip."
The contempt, hatred and bitterness in his voice so takes me aback that it's a moment before I realise that the last is aimed at me but just as I'm about to try and make a stand, despite the threat of the gun, Vin erupts, there's no other word for it, into life. He pushes himself from the pallet with such ferocity that he is between the two of us before we realise what is happening. A few steps take him past us and then he whirls round. We both spot at the same time that in that rush he has disarmed his lover and now stands with the gun aimed unerringly at us. I stagger to my feet, suddenly and joltingly realising what it's like for a criminal to be caught in Vin's sights. The gun is trained on the both of us unwaveringly. Beside me I hear his lover chuckle slightly. Vin licks his lips.
"Sorry, so sorry. You shouldn't have made me choose." His voice is raw with emotion and I remember his words in the hospital. I look him straight in the eye and see something indefinable there. As his finger tightens on the trigger, I throw myself to one side. And then everything seems to be happening in slow motion. As soon as he's fired, Vin flings the gun from him and races across the space between himself and his lover. He catches the man as he crumples, a look of surprise on his face. Tears are pouring down Vin's cheeks.
"So sorry," he says over and over again. "So very, very sorry."
"Why?" the man chokes out round the blood pouring from his mouth.
"Because you were killing me," Vin wails, bereft.
The man's head lolls backwards and Vin screams; a high eldritch scream of pain and despair. He clutches the dead body to him, rocking to and fro and still saying "Sorry, so sorry". It takes me a couple of minutes to realise that I'm the one still alive but once that knowledge hits me I crawl over to the distraught Texan. Gently I touch him on the shoulder.
"Vin, I'm sorry."
He looks at me.
"I killed him, Chris. Oh god, I killed him," he sobs, still clutching the body.
"There wasn't anything else you could do, Vin," I tell him, trying to pry his lover from his arms.
"It was him or you," Vin continues, oblivious to my efforts, as he still holds the body.
I hear a door open behind me and Buck shouting my name.
"Over here," I call back. Wilmington hoves into view round a stack of crates and stops at the sight that meets his eyes. He's joined by the others and I indicate that they should approach carefully. Nathan crouches beside Vin and rests a hand on the body.
"Vin, you need to let go you know. He's dead."
"Do you think I don't know that?!" Vin shouts at him. "I'm the one who killed. I know he's dead."
Nathan looks at me in confusion. I shake my head at me.
"Read the report, Nate." It's a warning to them all not to ask questions. "Just get him out of Vin's arms so we can care for Vin," I tell him as quietly as possible so that we don't set Tanner off again. Nathan shoots me a look that clearly says And how do you suggest I do that? But it's our youngest, JD, who once again comes to our rescue. Being nearer to Vin's age he can usually instinctively sense what is required. He comes and kneels at Vin's side and rests a hand on his.
"Vin, let us look after him. He needs to be taken care of and we can't do that with you holding him so tightly. Just let him go a bit so that Nathan can see to him."
Vin lets go of his lover abruptly and pushes himself off the floor. At once Nathan starts organising for the morgue truck to come and collect the body. JD throws his jacket round Vin's shoulders to try and allay some of the trembling. Vin is staring at the blood on his hands in sheer disbelief, rubbing them desperately - trying to remove it, I suppose. Finally he gives up and looks at me, all his misery showing in his face, and he runs his bloody hands over his face and through his hair.
"God, Chris, what have I done?"
"What you had to do," I tell him again crisply, although in reality I am totally shaken by what has occurred.
"There should've been another way."
"There wasn't."
"But I killed him," he repeats again and I realise that he's going into shock. I reach out towards him slowly and, despite the presence of the others, draw him into a gentle embrace.
"I know, Vin, but it's going to be all right."
"It's never going to be all right," he mumbles, unconsciously echoing more words from the hospital, as he suddenly collapses against me.
"Take him home, Chris," Nathan advises.
Without a second thought I sweep the semi-conscious Texan up in my arms and carry him away from that place of death. There's no question in my mind where I'm going to take him; it's back to the ranch where I can keep a close eye on him. I ease him onto the front seat of the Ram and wrap my jacket around him before turning the heat up full in an effort to warm him. He murmurs as I slip into the driving seat and I can just about make out his lover's name. I brush his hair away from his eyes.
"Hush," I whisper, "It's going to be all right."
"Never going to be all right," Vin whimpers with a silent sob.
I have no legitimate reason to break the speed limit but I cruise pretty close to it as I head for home. Once at the ranch I prise Vin out of his seat and support him across the yard and up the steps. On entering the house I fumble with the light switch, hampered by the trembling body in my arms, but once it's on I steer Vin in the direction of the guest room and propel him on to the bed. He sits on the end, limbs shaking, teeth chattering, eyes wide and staring, face and hair covered in blood, unable to help himself.
I turn the heating in the house up full and then put the kettle on to boil before returning to find Vin exactly as I left him. I can't stand the sight of that man's blood all over my sweet Texan and I gently start to peel his clothing from him. As I undress him my fingers brush against his clammy flesh sending frissons of heat down to my groin. Desperately trying to force my own feelings out of the picture I finish removing his clothes and throw them in the laundry basket; then I pull Vin to his feet and wrap him in a large fluffy towel. All the time he watches what I'm doing as if from a distance. Putting an arm around his shoulders I pull him towards the bathroom and sit him on the toilet while I turn the shower on. I then face a dilemma. Do I encourage Vin to get in on his own and hope that he'll manage to wash himself or do I undress and get in there with him? Seeing him sitting there, virtually oblivious to everything, I know that I have no choice. Quickly I divest myself of my clothes, pull Vin to his feet, unwrap the towel and help him into the shower of hot water.
I'm trying not to look at anything except Vin's face but it's difficult. I've dreamt about being in the shower with him on so many occasions that I find it hard not to let my mind wander. But I need to concentrate on helping him. I pour a generous load of shampoo into my hand and lather his hair, massaging the long tresses and the scalp, washing away the blood, allowing myself to revel in something that I've only ever imagined. Having taken care of his hair I then start to wash him, taking great care of how I carry this out because I don't want to startle him. It doesn't help me, however, and it isn't soon before I have a raging hard on. Thankfully I've had Vin standing with his back to me so he doesn't see my erection or me taking care of it.
I can feel that his skin has warmed up and so, before the water turns cold, I get him out of the shower and wrap him up in the fluffy towel again, vigorously rubbing him dry and bringing a warm glow to his skin. His face is looking more alert now as I lead him back into the bedroom. I scrabble in my drawers and find an old night shirt which I pull over Vin's head. He finally rouses himself and pulls it right down to hide his modesty. He gives me a shy lopsided smile and my heart goes flip flop. Then I realise that I'm still naked. I grin back at him and disappear to pull on some jogging bottoms.
"Warmer?" I ask when I return.
"Mm, thanks," he whispers.
"Good. Now I'm going to make you a hot drink and fill a hot water bottle and get you settled. Okay?"
"Okay."
When I return with his drink and bottle I find that he has managed to summon the energy to crawl under the bedclothes. I hand him the bottle which he cuddles to him. It's clear that he's started to think and I sit on the bed, waiting for him to speak. Finally he looks up at me and it saddens me to see that his eyes are still empty.
"So sorry," is all he says and the fact that he's repeated what he said in the warehouse tells me that he hasn't even begun to deal with what has happened. I hand him his drink.
"There's no need to be," I tell him firmly. "Now get yourself round that hot drink."
He sips at it, seemingly savouring the spoonfuls of sugar and whiskey that I laced it with. Eventually the mug is drained and he hands it back to me. He seems reluctant to settle down so I push him back gently and pull the covers up over him. He clutches at them and eyes me in alarm. I smile reassuringly at him as I get up to leave him to sleep.
"Please, no." It's no more than a whisper but I catch it. I'm perplexed, not sure how to handle this. Suddenly I have a brainwave, knowing what I would have done had it been Adam.
"Be back in a minute," I say and head for the laundry basket. I empty it onto the floor and find the least dirty T-shirt that I can. Picking it up, I head back for the bedroom. Suddenly feeling rather silly, I hold the T-shirt out to Vin. He hesitates and then almost snatches it from my hand, burying his nose in it before cradling it against his chest. He looks up at me with that shy smile of his and my breath catches in my throat.
"I'll leave the light on," I say with difficulty.
"Okay."
He catches my hand as I begin to turn away and plants a very light kiss in its palm. I look down at him and he drops it like a hot potato, looking like a guilty schoolboy.
"God, Vin," I mutter and without thinking I bend down and capture his mouth with mine. I can taste the whiskey and chocolate that he's just drunk as his lips part to allow me access to what I desire more than anything else. No, not what I desire more than anything else because that would be to make love to my Texan; to feel myself sink inside him and savour his warmth and tightness as I stroke against him. I rest a hand lightly on Vin's throat and gently stroke his pliant flesh while deepening the kiss. He moans quietly into my mouth and I wake up to what I'm doing. With a shudder I break the kiss and look down into his deep blue eyes; they're glazed and his breathing is ragged. I run a thumb over his lips and he tries to focus on my face.
"Night, Vin." I'm reluctant to leave but I can't stay without running the risk of doing something I might regret later.
"Night," he whispers as he snuggles down with my T-shirt clutched to him, like a drowning man clutches at a life preserver.
I am dragged from my sleep by an anguished howl from the guest room. Vin's the only person I know who can howl like a wolf! If the truth be told I'm glad to be awake and to leave behind the intensely sensual dreams I'm having about him and me making wild passionate love in my bed. It's difficult having him in the same house and yet not being able to touch him in that way. I stagger out of bed and down the hallway, realising that I am as hard as a rock. Oh well, nothing I can do about that at the moment.
I enter the guest room to see Vin sitting bolt upright in bed, staring into space with tears running down his cheeks. He's trembling. Again I'm struck by how young he really is. He hides it well out in the field, the tough sharpshooter who won't take any nonsense from anyone; but when it comes to his heart he's as vulnerable as the next man, more so in many ways. And so very young; almost too young to be exposed on a daily basis to what we see in our line of work; although it seems to be nothing compared to what I feel his own life has been like.
Crossing over to the bed I sit down behind him, pulling him back against my chest and wrapping my arms around him. He curls up against me, cradling my arms in his and burying his face in my chest, crying just like any two year old. I don't know how long we sit like this but gradually Vin's tears abate and he's racked by shuddering gasps as he fights for breath. I rub his back in slow circles, trying to ease his breathing and then find my hand moving, as if of its own volition, down his back towards his tight perfectly formed ass. Without realising what I'm doing I stroke my hand gently over his butt, taking in the soft feel of the night shirt and his rounded contours as I do so.
He moves in my hand, snuggling his ass into it, inviting intimacy, but suddenly my fingers brush across bare flesh. I freeze and snatch my hand away. I can't and won't do this while my Texan's still so vulnerable; if I did, I would be no better than that other man. You see, even now he's dead I can't bring myself to name him. Vin lifts tear washed blue eyes up to me as I look at my hand in horror.
"Chris?"
I shudder involuntarily.
"I'm not going to take advantage of you, Vin," I tell him softly.
"Why not?" The full significance of the question eludes me for the moment.
"I won't do what he did to you. God knows I want you, so much that it hurts, but I won't lower myself to that level."
He pushes away from me at that and scrambles to the other end of the bed before turning to glare at me.
"That level?" he hisses. "What do you mean that level? You know nothing about it."
"Then why don't you tell me so that I understand," I suggest to him gently.
He looks down at the bed and then lifts his eyes back up to meet mine, defiantly.
"Don't need to justify our life to you," he snarls.
"I'm not asking you to justify it," I reply softly, "just explain it so that I understand."
"I owed him everything."
"You didn't owe him anything that could possibly justify being repaid by abuse and rape!" I say in as controlled a manner as possible.
"I owed him," he wails "and I killed him."
"You killed him because of what he did to you. Deep down you knew that what he did was wrong," I point out ruthlessly, determined to get Vin to see the truth.
"He didn't do nothing wrong. I owed him and I paid him. That's how our life worked."
"Vin, I saw him," I press on softly, realising that he's like a fragile glass ornament, too much force and he might shatter in front of me, but needing him to see what had happened to him for himself. "What you were giving him had nothing to do with paying him back for helping you. It was rape. Cold, calculated rape, Vin, there's no other word for it."
"Nooooo!" he howls and throws himself off the bed onto the floor. He's plucking frantically at his arms and in a flash I recognise that some, although by no means all of, the bruising and marks we've seen on Tanner over the past few months have, in fact, been self-inflicted as he attempted to deny the truth of his relationship and tried to convince himself that all was as it should be.
"Vin," I climb off the bed and move slowly towards him, needing to calm him down before he damages himself, me or the furniture and am horrified to see him throw himself at the wall. Not surprisingly he bounces off and crumples on the floor, hyper ventilating. I grab him and wrap my arms and legs around him before he can do anything else to himself. It suddenly strikes me that I'm doing just what I used to do with Adam when he had a major tantrum and I know I've had a startling insight into Vin as a teenager. I wonder yet again at how he's turned into the caring well balanced adult that he is. Well balanced, that is, until that man came along. However, Vin is bigger and stronger than Adam and it takes all my strength and determination to restrain him.
"Let me go," Vin growls at me, but at least he's no longer screaming. I should have known better because he manages to get a hand loose and starts pummelling my chest before trying to head butt my chin. I jerk my head back out of the way and grab the flailing fist, twisting it behind his back. He freezes at that; his hatred of being held clear in every line of his body.
"Let me go," he repeats breathlessly.
"Not until you've stopped fighting me, Vin. I'm your friend."
He takes a deep shuddering breath and goes limp in my arms.
"Do what you want," he whispers.
"Vin, I've told you before, I'm not taking advantage of you."
"Why should you be different from everybody else?" he hisses. "Everybody takes what they want in the end; even...even..."
"Even him?"
"No he's the only one who didn't!" He continues to defend the man even now.
"Vin..."
"You don't know anything about our life and our relationship, Chris, don't judge it."
"Did you love him?" Now where did that come from? It wasn't the question I'd intended to ask.
He twists round to look at me.
"Yes, I l...loved him," he stammers, "How dare you suggest otherwise." But he doesn't sound convinced.
"Listen, Vin," I try again.
"No, Chris, you listen," he snarls. "It doesn't matter what you say you can't change how I felt...feel about him. I'll never love you. You see I know what you want but I'll never do it. You forced me to make a choice and I'll never forgive you for that...never."
I'm stunned by his words and my grip on him loosens. He takes advantage of this and squirms out of my arms, pushing himself to his feet. He grabs his damp clothes from off the radiator where I hung them and jerks the bedroom door open. As he runs out my brain clicks into gear and I leap to my feet behind him.
"Vin," I call, trying to sound calm.
"No," he screams back over his shoulder. "I hate you. Leave me alone. Don't ever touch me again."
He pulls open the back door and runs out into the night. Even as I reach the door myself I see him disappearing down the drive, pulling his clothes on as he goes. Everything inside me screams to follow him but I know that in this mood Vin would not be receptive to company and so, reluctantly, as the clock strikes midnight, I turn back into the house, closing the door behind me.
I sit on the couch for what seems like hours, cradling a can of beer, trying to banish erotic thoughts of Vin from my mind. I've got to work with the man on a daily basis for god's sake, I can't keep thinking of him like this. But part of me is out there with him, worrying about his state of mind and his physical well-being. Suddenly a soft knock at the door pulls me from my reverie and the couch. I pad along the hallway, open the door and my imaginings take on solid form. Vin is standing on the step, head bowed, face hidden by his long soft hair.
"Vin," I breathe in surprise. He'd made his feelings so clear to me that that's all I can feel for the moment. He lifts a desperate face to me and I see that his eyes are red raw. Clearly he's been crying again - a lot. His feet are bloody where he left his shoes behind and his hair is full of burrs where he's pushed past the bushes lining the road. But he's never looked more beautiful to me.
"Chris," he says hoarsely. "Can't get your face out of my head; your touch...all over me...Tell me it's not too late."
I bend towards him, cupping his face in both my hands and running my thumbs over the corners of his mouth.
"It's not too late," I tell him and kiss him gently. Hesitantly he leans into my kiss and starts to cry again.
"So afraid I'd lost you," he mumbles against my mouth, afraid to take the kiss further. Afraid that once I've thought about it I'll reject him? He's afraid but I'm not. I place one hand round the back of his head, revelling in the soft feel of his hair, and the other on the side of his throat and press my lips against his, encouraging his mouth to open with my tongue and sinking it into those sweet warm depths that I thought I'd never taste again. I sigh with pleasure into his mouth and he starts to relax in my hold.
"Chris..." he begins when I finally have to come up for air. I lay a finger on his lips.
"Ssh, Vin, not here." I place an arm round his shaking shoulders and draw him gently into the house. Once we're in the hallway I turn him round to look at me.
"Are you sure, Vin?"
He nods at me, biting his lip as he does so. I want to throw him to the floor and fuck him right there and then but I won't; I'll take it nice and slow. He needs to be loved slowly and thoroughly and by doing so have the memories of that man exorcised so I take his hand and raise it to my lips; turning it over to drop a gentle kiss in his palm. He wriggles his fingers at the feel. Carefully I draw him into my bedroom and across to my bed where I reluctantly let go of his hand so that I can close the door behind us.
When I turn back to look at him again, to drink in the gorgeous face and lithe body that soon will be mine, he's standing exactly where I left him, looking at me with large luminous eyes; his long limbs trembling and I'm incongruously reminded of Bambi taking his first steps. He's terrified, I realise, but I don't think it's of me. I think it's of the situation; of beginning a relationship with his boss but, most of all, of a relationship that is based on something different from anything he's ever known before - love.
I smile at him reassuringly but he continues to shake, watching me almost warily but then his eyes falter under my awed gaze and turn to the floor; his lashes sweeping dark half moons against his too pale skin.
"So sorry, Chris," he chokes.
"Good god, Vin, there's no need for you to be sorry," I whisper and cross the small gap between us. I take him in my arms and crush him to me. He's crying again. I've never known Vin cry before all this happened and it's like a knife twisting in my gut to see him and to realise just how deeply this has all affected him and how insecure he really is.
For the moment I'm content to let him rest his head on my shoulder with his tears soaking into my shirt although I have to admit I'm hoping for more from this evening. I've waited long enough for Vin and I don't intend to wait any longer than I have to; but, at the same time, I have no intention of forcing him into anything he doesn't want or isn't ready for. I'm not that other man and, despite everything I feel, I will not force myself onto my Texan even though he came running to me.
When I feel Vin's sobs beginning to abate I start rubbing his back in slow lazy circles, feeling the tension in his muscles and the sharp intakes of air as he tries to catch his breath. Gradually I feel him quietening beneath my hands and I move one to capture his chin, tilting his head upwards so that I can look into his eyes. Freshly washed blue swirling depths meet mine and I gasp softly at the intensity of the passion that I see lying dormant in them; passion that I want to wake and fuel.
I kiss the tip of his nose gently and use my thumbs to wipe the tears away from his cheeks as I move to frame his face in both my hands. Then, with a sigh, I capture his mouth with mine and inveigle my tongue into his sweet depths. This time when he moans against me I feel him relax as well and I know that I've won a small victory. Using my tongue I caress all around his mouth, his lips, his tongue and his teeth and eventually am rewarded when I feel his tongue sweep against mine. I start nipping and sucking at his lips, paying attention to where he has nibbled at them, aware that he's leaning further and further into me.
I've never been with a man before, but foreplay has to be similar to being with a woman. Anyhow, I know what I like; just hope Vin does too. I move my kisses down to his chin, revelling in the rough feel of his unshaven skin, and then drop kisses on his cheeks up towards his eyes. I can see that they're closed now and sense that his lips are swollen and slightly open; his breathing coming shallowly. I smile to myself, reaching for his hands now and lifting them to my mouth. I suck a finger into my mouth, allowing my tongue to swirl round it. I'm into some serious seduction here. Vin takes a deep shuddering breath and sways slightly. I catch his shoulders gently.
"Easy, Vin," I murmur in his ear.
"Need you," he murmurs back. "Need you to..."
"I know." I catch his earlobe gently in my teeth and nip it, then lick it to soothe the hurt. I run my tongue round the edge of his ear and he sways again.
"Like that?" I ask.
"Mmmm," he responds and I grin as I push him gently towards the bed. The edge catches his knees and he collapses on to it. His eyes open at that but they're dreamy now and I don't see any sign of fear. He looks up at me and finally I can see the stirrings of passion but he seems unwilling to initiate anything, although that will come; he's been so used to doing what others want that he's all but forgotten how to do what he wants. But I'm patient and whatever it takes we'll get there. Carefully I catch hold of the hem of his T-shirt and pull it up over his head, dropping it on the floor behind me and then divest myself of my own T-shirt just as quickly. Kneeling on the bed astride his thighs I push him down and lie on top of him, threading my fingers through his and placing our entwined hands above his head. The touch of my flesh on his sends fissions of heat spiralling through my body and pooling in my groin. I groan as I start licking, nipping and kissing in earnest at the inviting dip at the base of his neck and then down his torso.
By the time I reach Vin's nipples he's writhing beneath me. While I keep my mouth busy with his dusky nubs, I reach down between us and run a finger around the inside of his jeans. He gives a muffled yelp and bucks off the bed at my touch. Still working on his nipples with my mouth, I slowly undo the button and start to ease the jeans down over his hips but, finding that his legs are longer than my reach, I stop and move down his body, trailing kisses all the way. As I move I push the jeans down his lithe limbs and onto the floor; then I start to work on his feet, legs and thighs in the same manner as I have on his nipples. By the time my head is level with his groin I can see Vin's erection standing proud and stiff and I look up at his face. His eyes are closed, his face flushed and he seems totally oblivious of what the rest of his body is doing. He is making small snuffling noises and I'm amazed that I've managed to reduce my normally self controlled sharpshooter to this quivering person who is so open and responsive to what I'm doing.
I run my tongue over the tip of his cock and there's another yelp from Vin. I savour the taste of the liquid seeping from him for a moment and then take the whole of him into my mouth as far as it will go. He reaches down and wraps his fingers in my hair as he starts thrusting his pelvis upwards, instinctively pushing his cock deeper into my throat. As his motions get more frantic he utters small yelps and then with a scream of pleasure he comes down my throat and I swallow all his load, milking him until I'm sure he's empty. Then I crawl back up the bed, take his limp body in my arms and press my lips to his, sharing his own taste with him. He returns the kiss and my heart soars at this first intimate step that he's taken.
He snuggles into my shoulder and heaves a deep sigh as I wrap my arms even more tightly around him.
"Okay?" I ask.
"Mmmm," he responds and I grin; good sex obviously robs Vin of all power of speech; I'll have to remember that.
I run my fingers through his hair again and find burrs coming loose in handfuls. That reminds me of the state of his feet and I rise up on an elbow and look down his body to where his legs are hanging off the bed.
"Your feet..." I begin.
"Ssh. They don't hurt none," he murmurs, snuggling deeper. But, knowing Vin's use of understatement, I'm not buying that. Reluctantly I pull away from him and crawl down the bed and onto the floor. Gently I take those feet that I was only recently kissing and look at the bruises, gashes and blood coating them.
"Oh, Vin," I sigh.
"Ssh," he murmurs again and I'm not sure whether he's with me or not. I scramble to my feet and head off to the kitchen, returning shortly with a bowl of warm water, soft cloths and salve. Vin is lying where I left him and the breath catches in my throat as I see once again what is now mine. His body doesn't have a single spare inch of flesh anywhere; muscles ripple just below the skin and his limbs are long and seductive. He reminds me of Michelangelo's David - absolutely perfect. He smiles up at me as I kneel at his feet and even his eyes light up now.
Gently I bathe his feet in the warm water and pat them dry before rubbing the salve onto them. He grins at me mischievously.
"How am I going to walk with that on my feet?" he asks.
"I'll carry you," I reply, only half-jokingly.
"Sounds nice," he replies as he glances down to where my cock has started to twitch into life, aroused by the sensual treatment I am giving his feet. He sits up and reaches towards me.
"Love me, Chris," he begs. "Make me forget."
I thread my fingers through his and pull him towards me.
"For ever," I murmur and kiss him gently.
He closes his eyes and sways. I know he's going to be an exciting lover once he's got his confidence in our relationship; a constant source of surprise to me for years to come. Getting slowly to my feet I push him back onto the bed and lie down on top of him, once again feeling the heat rush south as our flesh touches the whole length of our bodies and I can feel my cock filling, needing release but I'm determined to take things slow. Gently I kiss Vin's lips and start trailing more kisses down his soft body beneath me. He whimpers softly at my touch and I feel intoxicated by this strange power I have to render him so vulnerable. I continue my onslaught on his body, ignoring the needs of my own in my desire to cleave him to me body, mind and soul.
"Need to feel you inside me," he moans, arching up towards me.
I give a low throaty laugh at that, amazed at how, even in this, our thoughts chime.
"Are you sure, Vin? We don't have to do it now. We can wait."
He shudders and clutches at my shoulder.
"No, I need you now. Need you to rid..." He leaves the thought unsaid but the shadow that crosses his face tells me everything. I make up my mind. I need to drive out all his bad memories and replace them with love. I don't kid myself that I can do it all tonight but at least I can make a start.
"I's scared," he admits quietly then.
"So am I." But I seek out his lips once more and kiss him until he's quivering beneath me again and then I stroke my hand gently down his proud shaft. He gasps in surprise and I swallow the sound with my mouth as I continue to stroke him until he's so far gone in pleasure he's almost totally oblivious to what I am doing. I reach down for the salve and manage to coat the fingers of one hand while continuing to caress him. Then I slowly slip my hand under him and rub my fingers gently over the furry sacks between his legs, further and further back until I reach the entrance to his most secret of places. All the time he is writhing beneath me, creating friction against my own cock so that I'm finding it hard to keep myself in check. At last I allow a finger to slip inside him and he bucks wildly at the intrusion but I keep kissing him and stroking him with my other hand. He settles and relaxes enough to allow me to slip a second and then a third finger into him, stretching the taut muscle I want to breach.
"Chris, need you, now," he mumbles at last through his whimpers.
"I know, Vin. Not long now." I can hear my own voice shaking with need as I feel around for the salve again. Squeezing a generous portion onto my fingers I replace them inside him briefly, making sure that he's as ready as I can make him. Then I kneel astride his thighs and start slicking my weeping cock. He lifts his head and licks his lips while he watches me at work. All at once he reaches over his head and pulls one of the pillows down shoving it under himself to raise his hips. I smile at him when I realise that he's trying to make this first time for us both as easy as possible. Then he runs a finger across the tip of my cock, taking off a drop of moisture and raising it to his lips. Gently he swirls his tongue round his finger, savouring my taste as I savoured his, and looks up at me provocatively from underneath his long lashes. And I can't wait any longer.
"This is it, Vin. Are you sure?"
"Yeah," he breathes softly. "Take me."
I need no further invitation and, entwining my fingers once again in his, I slide gently inside him. He moans softly as I penetrate him and then bucks wildly as I catch his prostate. He opens dark desire filled eyes to mine as I hold his hips steady.
"Move," he whispers. Always one to do as I'm told, I move. Rocking backwards and forwards I push further and further into him until I'm buried up to the hilt in his hot tight body and I realise that it's better than I'd ever dreamed it would be. Even so I try to take it gently, unwilling to force myself into him even now; wanting this to be memorable for both of us.
He pushes up as I rock down, driving me against his prostate and even deeper into him.
"Don't want to hurt you, Vin," I gasp in between thrusts.
"You won't; you couldn't," he pants back. "Chris, I need..."
Yeah, I know."
I untangle a hand from his and snake it down between us, running a finger lightly down his straining cock.
"God," he moans and thrusts up against me again.
Our passion mounts as we move in perfect harmony with each other until finally I know that I'm about to climax and I can sense that Vin is too. All at once my seed erupts from my body; shooting with incredible force into my Texan's dark secret places. At the same time his fountains over my hand and our bellies. After what seems like a lifetime the ferocity of our release slows and dies, for this time at least, and I collapse on top of Vin with a soft moan. He snuggles up to me and buries his face in my neck.
We lie together in each others arms, boneless and sated, for a long while until I feel him shiver beneath me. At that I push myself off the bed and pad into the bathroom. Stopping to wipe my sticky belly, I fetch a damp cloth and return to wipe Vin clean. As I approach the bed I see him curled up in a small ball, shaking uncontrollably.
"Vin?" I whisper, laying a hand gently on his shoulder. Immediately he uncurls, and throws himself into my arms.
"Don't leave me; don't ever leave me," he whispers hoarsely with a sob as I wrap my arms round him. I start to laugh but then I look down into his eyes and see unadulterated panic and fear in them so I stop the laugh and bend to kiss him on the top of his head instead.
"Never," I try to reassure him softly but realise that he's not listening when he continues in that same hoarse voice.
"When you got up..."
"I only went to get a washcloth to clean us up."
"I thought perhaps..."
"Well, you thought wrong," I tell him firmly. Pushing him away from me slightly I wave the washcloth in front of his eyes. "See." He nods and swallows hard, reaching for it.
"No, I'll do it. I want you to realise that I'm in this for ever or..." and I suddenly realise that there is an alternative ending to all of this and I swallow hard. "...or until you no longer want me."
Vin grabs the washcloth and holds it still.
"I'll always want you," he whispers looking straight at me, "always have if I'm honest."
"Think I always knew that," I reply softly prising the washcloth from his fingers and beginning to wipe his belly gently, removing all the spent seed and stickiness from it. At my touch he starts to uncurl in my arms and I take the opportunity to run the washcloth along his cock and he moans lowly, pushing into my hand as he does so. I laugh at that.
"Think we've had enough for tonight," I whisper into his ear. "Pity but it's late and we've got work tomorrow...or maybe that should be today," I amend as I glance at the clock. He laughs at that.
"Don't think I'll ever have enough of you, Chris," he murmurs and snuggles up into my arms again. "God, what I've missed..."
"Don't think about it," I whisper and pull the covers over both of us. I suppose we fall asleep then; at least I do because I don't remember anything else.
I wake to empty arms and am just about to panic that Vin's run again when I feel a hot wet mouth envelop my cock and a skilful tongue run along its length bringing it quickly to attention and me to full wakefulness. I arch my back thrusting deep into that welcome warmth and scream as I come down his throat; revelling in the feel of his suckling the last drop I have to give before he crawls back into my arms and kisses me sloppily, sharing his prize with me. I wrap my arms around him.
"Morning," I murmur dazedly. "That was some welcome."
"Wanted to give you something like you gave me last night," he murmurs, burrowing his face into my chest. "Not sure how much I'm ready for but knew I could do that at least."
I turn his face to look at me and drop a gentle kiss on his moist lips.
"Doesn't matter, Vin. We'll take it as slow as you like. There's no rush; we've got all our lives ahead of us."
"But you've missed so much," he mumbles against me.
"Doesn't matter," I assure him, noting that he didn't say we so I say it for him. "We've found each other now and we're going to enjoy getting to know each other really well."
I can't keep the leer out of my voice and he shivers, hopefully in anticipation; then I swat him on the butt.
"Time for work," I remind him mercilessly.
"Aw, you're no fun," he grumbles but it's only half-hearted; he's still unsure of his new position in my life.
"You want fun?!" I ask, tipping him backwards onto the bed and resting my hands alongside his head. He licks his lips nervously and I brush his tongue with mine. "I'll show you fun." I push myself off the bed and bend to pick him up in my arms.
"Chris," he protests as I carry him into the bathroom and place him in the shower. His eyes widen as I get in behind him and close the door.
"Wha...?"
He doesn't finish the word as I swoop to catch his mouth. His tongue rises up to meet mine and we kiss long and passionately before breaking away, breathing heavily. Then I start to wash him, slowly and reverently, exploring every dip and crease in his body until his knees buckle and he collapses against me with a sigh. I chuckle and he raises a limp hand and runs it down my cheek.
"Love you," he whispers hoarsely.
My breath catches in my throat at his simple admission.
"Love you too," I whisper in reply as I turn him so that his back is resting against my chest. I start running my hands down his chest, over his nipples, across his flat stomach and down into his groin, feeling his cock nestling there and stroking it gently until it rises fully into my hand. He throws his head back against my shoulder and I bend my mouth to his, catching his whimpers as he thrusts more and more vigorously into my hand before erupting with a scream. I stroke and pull until he's finished and then wrap my arms around him, holding him upright as he recovers.
"Bastard," he hisses at last but there is an affectionate warmth in his voice; a warmth that I haven't heard there for a very long time and never with his lover. "Got to go all through today remembering this and not being able to touch you."
"Yeah, I know, payback's a bitch ain't it? Now finish washing and get dressed. I'm sorting out breakfast."
"Wouldn't need washing if you behaved yourself," he points out primly as I scramble from the shower to stop myself from grabbing and fucking him against the tiles. Maybe one day he will be ready for that, but not today. Today is about love not sex.
We eat breakfast in companionable silence, my foot resting against his calf, his breathing slightly shallower than usual, and then climb into the Ram for the journey to the office. In the parking bay I turn to look at him.
"I know things could be difficult for you today, Vin, but remember I'm with you every step of the way even if I'm not actually standing beside you - because I love you."
"I know, Chris...and thanks."
I bend over and kiss him gently.
"Until tonight..." I allow my voice to carry the promise of delights to come. He shivers and looks at me with eyes gone dark with desire.
"Oh yeah," he manages to breath. Then with an effort he climbs out of the Ram.
It's hard not to touch him as we climb the stairs to the office but I know this is new for both of us and that, as such, it's something to be explored in private. We enter the outer room to see the others sitting at their desks, coffee and doughnuts in front of them. They look up at us as we come in and smile.
"Well, it's clear to see that you've both had a good night's rest," Buck observes slyly. Vin blushes though I've no idea if Buck has any real idea what we've been up to.
JD looks at Vin with concern, noting the pink colour that has risen in my Texan's cheeks.
"You okay, Vin?" he asks in concern. The others hold their breath, watching for Vin's reaction. He pauses for a moment and then looks directly at the youngster.
"I's fine, JD. Everything's gonna be all right," he says quietly.
He turns towards me with the sunniest smile I've seen from him in a long time and suddenly I know everything is going to be all right.
Love
Is a beautiful brutal thing
And it gives the sweetest of pain
It wakes your spirit and then
You feel like living again
And rain
Falls when you think the Sun
Has just begun
To shine above
And love
Is mysterious as it's old
It's the secret you've never told
It's the tears of sorrow and joy
For that girl...or that boy
THE END