A Tale at Chris's Expense!
Summary: Based on a joke I heard once. Some might consider it cute but a tad rude!
Main Characters: Buck, J.D. and Chris
Disclaimers: The Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, CBS and MGM. If they sue me they'll get nothing 'cause you can't get blood from a stone.
The men were getting tired of hearing dreadful jokes from J.D., even Josiah was beginning to get ornery when he heard John Dunne start with, "I have a great joke to tell you!" The boys' combined patience had worn thin.Buck couldn't take it anymore and forbid the young man to tell him any more jokes. "Son, you wouldn't know funny if it fell on top of you, did a jig and split its pants!"
"I know what's funny!" J.D. complained. "You just don't have any sense of humor!"
"Tell ya' what J.D.: if I can tell a story that makes everyone at this table laugh, you have to promise not to ever tell another joke!"
J.D. didn't think it would be possible to get everyone at the table to laugh; Vin, Nathan and Chris were looking rather solemn and even Ezra seemed glum, so he accepted the bet.
Buck sat and looked around the table for inspiration. His eyes fell on Chris Larabee; his oldest and dearest friend. An evil grin crossed Buck's features. "Did I ever tell you boys about the time Chris took Samantha Rudner out for a picnic?"
Chris wondered just what his good friend was up to.
All eyes turned to Chris.
Nathan responded to the Buck's question since he'd be the one patching the Ladies man up after Chris decided to shoot him, "No you haven't, and I think you're a fool to be talking about Chris!"
Chris said nothing and waited.
"Well this was before he married Sarah and it was a funny story!" Buck winked at his old friend before continuing. "Samantha's father didn't approve of Chris any more than Sarah's so they snuck out of town with a rented buggy. Well after their picnic ol' Chris packed them back up and found the buggy mired in muck. It had rained the night before and he hadn't left it in a very good spot."
Josiah watched to see Chris's reaction to the story and was curious to see the man's lips curl up into a smirk.
J.D. was intrigued by the tale and edged forward on his seat, "So he was stuck!"
"Hell yeah, he was stuck but good! He didn't have anything to cut wood and pry the wheels free so he stuffed the picnic blanket under one wheel but it wasn't enough so he started to take his clothes off!"
Now Buck had everyone's attention including many of the other patrons that had sat close enough to overhear.
J.D. was shocked and Vin took a quick glance at the stories main character to gauge whether Buck was telling a tall tale or not. Chris gave nothing away.
"Well? What did the girl do?" asked Nathan; anxious to hear about the woman's reaction.
"I suppose she was shocked. I wasn't there, so I couldn't tell you! .... Chris stuck his clothing under the wheels to get some grip in the mud. He needed to get the buggy back since he couldn't afford to pay for another day's rental."
"Did he get it out?" asked J.D. excitedly.
"Nope, it was stuck hard! So he had to convince Miss Samantha to give her clothing up for the cause!"
Josiah's eyes grew wide, "He didn't!"
Buck was happy to nod his head and grin, "He did!"
All eyes turned back to Chris who acted like it was no big deal. He picked up his beer and took a drink.
Buck continued, "He got all her clothes, even her knickers but they were still stuck! Chris was about to ride the horse to town for some clothes and an axe but Miss Samantha wouldn't let him leave her there like that. She certainly wasn't about to go with him to town either!"
Some of the heads turned on Chris and the looks they directed at him weren't kind.
"Ol' Chris couldn't get unstuck. Both of them were naked so he decided that Widow Barnes was the closest place to go to for help. He figured he'd go up there and borrow an axe, cut some brush to put under the wheels and get a large branch for leverage to get them out of there."
"Why didn't they put their clothes back on?" asked J.D..
"Well apparently all the clothes must have been trapped in the mud under the buggy's wheels!" stated Ezra.
"Ezra's right! Now Miss Samantha figured a naked young man arriving at the widow's door would scare her so bad she'd shoot him so Miss Sam decided she should be the one to go for the axe. When she arrived at Widow Barnes place she didn't think it'd be right to knock on the door since she had no clothing on; she only had her shoes!" At this point Buck pushed back his chair and pulled his boots off.
The boys watched curiously, wondering just what the man was up to!
Buck stood up and put the boots between his legs in a manner that would use the toes to hide his privates, he continued the tale, "She took her shoes off and put them like this to hide some of her," The Buck crossed on arm across his chest like he was attempting to show how the young woman hid her breasts, "And she knocked on the door!"
Several people were anxious to hear, "And, and?"
"And when old Widow Barnes answered the door Miss Samantha exclaimed, "Help me! Help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
Every person within hearing distance started to chortle, snort or all-out guffaw, even Chris!
J.D. was the only one who didn't laugh. His face held a puzzled expression since he hadn't gotten the joke. "I don't see how that's funny!" he stated.
Ezra's eyebrows rose towards his forehead, "Mr. Dunne, he is implying that Chris was stuck in Miss Samantha!"
"Huh?" J.D. looked over at Buck and saw the picture that now formed. Buck's boots sticking out like someone just had their feet sticking out of ...! "Ewww!"
The men all grinned at the youth's naiveté and response.
"I win kid!" said Buck. "Everyone laughed!"
"Not everyone Buck! I didn't laugh, so I win!" J.D. replied smartly.
Buck's surprise at having lost set off new gales of laughter at his expense.
+ + +
Later Chris caught Buck alone, "I never dated a girl named Samantha Rudner but I seem to recall that you had!" Chris smiled and added, "So that's what happened to your clothes!"
The End!