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Serpents

MARY AND CROWD:

Join the great. Be a state. Join the great.

MARY:

Statehood means jobs and a voice in our government.

What's the matter, sir, afraid to join the modern age?

EZRA:

Wait, wait, my mother goes on to say, Leave your dust bowl behind, dear son, and become my partner in St. Louis' new historic Riverfront casino. It's high time we get stinking rich.

BUCK:

How much does she want this time?

EZRA:

The ante is a mere $2,000.

BUCK:

Do you think she's on the level?

EZRA:

I do. Not that it matters. Sadly, I find myself $1,9999 short this week.

BUCK:

Join the crowd.

EZRA:

How ever did I allow myself to fall into a career in law enforcement?

LOUISA:

Ladies and gentlemen, see that spittoon? In the state of Rhode Island, it's illegal to spit. You there, playing cards... In the state of Vermont, gambling is against the law. Now, some folks around here want us to be a state. Now, I don't know about your, but I like to spit and play cards.

CROWD:

Yeah!

EZRA:

Buck?

BUCK:

You're blocking my view there, hoss.

LOUISA:

I don't' want a bunch of lily-livered eastern toadies making laws form me. No, sir. If we remain a territory, we know what we have - federal money without giving up local control.

BUCK:

Oh, well spoken.

( Crowd applauds )

SHEEP HERDER:

You're just a lackey for those ranchers. And so's that Governor you work for.

LOUISA:

Only think dumber than a sheep is the man that herds them.

( Crowd laughs )

LOUISA:

Gentlemen, please. Let's discuss this in a more civilized manner.

LOUISA:

Thank you.

BUCK:

Don't mention it.

LOUISA:

Name's Louisa Perkins. I work for Governor Hopewell.

BUCK:

Name's Buck Wilmington. The law around here.

EZRA:

Now, that was rude.

CHRIS:

That's enough.

( Gunshot )

EZRA:

Next time there's a brawl, I'll curl up under a table with a good book. We don't get paid enough to endure these indignities.

VIN:

We all take the same risks, Ezra.

CHRIS:

'Cept nobody else complains about it.

MR. HEIDEGGER:

( speaking with a German accent ) Mr. Chris, I ask you, what am I to do? When the mouse has your cheese, you call the cats, yes?

CHRIS:

What's the problem, Mr. Heidegger?

HEIDEGGER:

For three days, Mr. Smith does not leave his room or allow the maid to enter or pay his bills. Now, please tell me, what in God's name is going on in there?

CHRIS:

Let's go have a look.

VIN:

Come on, Ezra.

EZRA:

Oh, by all means. Wouldn't want to give myself a chance to heal.

Oh, good Lord.

HEIDEGGER:

Is he, uh, dead?

EZRA:

Well, if he weren't, the stench would kill him.

VIN:

Don't look like foul play. Maybe his heart gave out. I'll get Nathan. He'll have a better idea.

EZRA:

I believe he died of happiness. By my eye... There's close to $10,000 here.

CHRIS:

10,000. That'll buy you a lot of dreams.

VIN:

Well, well. Take a look at this. ( Whistles ) This ain't no cowboy's rifle. Sure is pretty.

CHRIS:

This man's name ain't Smith. This is Lucius Stutz.

VIN:

Long range Lucius Stutz?

EZRA:

And who would that be?

CHRIS:

Hired assassin.

VIN:

One of the deadliest. That 10,000 there, that's blood money.

CHRIS:

Question is who was he here to kill?

JD:

They say he picked off his targets from so far off that he'd be gone before the bullet even hit. And he never missed.

NATHAN:

Except this time.

JD:

I'm glad I wasn't on the wrong end of his rifle.

VIN:

Don't go on the worry, Kid, none of us was worth 10,000 dead or alive.

EZRA:

A casino in St. Louis, now, that's what I'd buy. But there's plenty in there for all of us. And you, for example, could buy yourself a sprawling ranch and some beautiful quarter horses.

CHRIS:

That sounds real good. There's only one problem - it ain't ours.

EZRA:

But custom dictates that if it goes unclaimed, it reverts back to the finders, namely us. We get paid a miserable $7.00 a week to get shot at, abused, and generally disrespected. Call it a bonus, if you like.

CHRIS:

This money is going in the bank, Ezra. And be quiet about it. If this gets out, every yahoo west of the Missouri will be laying claim to it.

EZRA:

Fear not. Sharing the wealth would not be my first instinct.

LOUISA:

Statehood is a trick of the railroad barons and the big city financiers. Come and hear the truth from your territorial governor.

BUCK:

If beauty had a name, it would be Louisa. That's what I'm gonna say to her. And then I'm gonna invite her to supper and for a walk in the moonlight.

JD:

Well, what are you waiting for, Buck?

BUCK:

You don't just walk up to a woman like that and start spouting. Timing is the key. You have to wait for the perfect moment.

LOUISA:

Evening, Buck.

BUCK:

Miss Louisa.

LOUISA:

I though perhaps if you weren't otherwise engaged, you might join me for supper.

BUCK:

Oh, I could eat. Ma'am.

NATHAN:

Wonder what kind of monster uses a weapon like that.

VIN:

I don't rightly know. But if I'd have had a rifle like this when I was a bounty hunter...

NATHAN:

Big difference between bounty hunting and murder.

VIN:

Maybe. But if a man is wanted alive or dead, it might be the easier if he's dead. You lie in wait. You take him down. You get paid for him being dead. Same as Lucius Stutz. I'm just saying with a gun like this... and so much money... might make a monster out of any man.

NATHAN:

Except the man who knows better.

BUCK:

I had a dog once. He used to just howl on nights like this. I think I know how he felt now. Do you want to go to the saloon or something?

LOUISA:

I really should turn in.

BUCK:

Well, then we best say good night.

LOUISA:

Yes, well...Good night.

BUCK:

Good night.

HEIDEGGER:

Mr. Chris, where is my money.

CHRIS:

Keep you voice down. And it ain't your money.

HEIDEGGER:

It was found in my hotel. And for 3 days, he paid me nothing.

EZRA:

Even the Ritz Hotel in Paris doesn't charge $3,000 a night.

Oh, I see what is what here. You want to keep the $10,000 for yourself, huh?

MAN:

$10,000.

CHRIS:

Keep your voice down.

HEIDEGGER:

$10,000 with no one to claim it. Now, that suits you gunslingers just fine, I'm sure.

CHRIS:

Are you suggesting what I think you are? Weasel.

EZRA:

Well, so much for our little secret. You do realize, Chris, that even if all 7 of us worked the rest of our lives, we'll never make this much money. And yet, there it is, right in our laps.

CHRIS:

Ezra, I don't want to have to shoot you.

EZRA:

Fine. But then who gets the 10,000?

JOSIAH:

Money sure does bring out the best in people, doesn't it?

BANK MANAGER:

What am I gonna do with all these lunatics? Every one of them says that they have a legitimate claim.

EZRA:

What a disgusting display of greed. Now, sir, you may rest assured that no one's taking my - uh, that money out of here.

BANDIT:

¡Manos arriba!

JOSIAH:

Another poor soul whipped to a frenzy by the temptation of money.

JD:

What'd we miss?

JOSIAH:

Couple of bandits looking to get shot. 5 minutes ago he was poor and desperate. Now, maybe he's found some peace.

BANK MANAGER:

I won't have this in my bank. It is too risky. It's your problem now.

EZRA:

I'll just see to that then. Large amounts of money don't unnerve me in the least.

CHRIS:

It'll be safer over at the church.

EZRA:

I know I've appeared a tad mercenary, but I'm quite capable of seeing to its safekeeping. Mr. Larabee, am I to assume that you have doubts as to my honesty?

CHRIS:

Josiah can look after it.

YOUNG STUTZ:

And the Good Book can be such a comfort in these times of sin and temptation. This is beautiful edition here is fully illustrated for the youngsters.

( Bugle blows )

GOVERNOR HOPEWELL:

Good morning. Good morning. Come on around. I'm your Territorial Governor Clayton Hopewell, and I am here to help you beat back this brush fire of statehood. So, come on out to the rally noon tomorrow and bring your friends and neighbors. And I'll tell you the truth about statehood. And there'll be plenty of free beer to boot.

( Crowd cheers )

MARY:

Governor Hopewell, I'm Mary Travis.

HOPEWELL:

Editor of the Clarion, am I right? You know, you've become quite the spokeswoman for statehood, my dear. Your articles have been reprinted all over the territory.

MARY:

I'm gratified to hear that.

HOPEWELL:

I must say I never imagined my chief adversary would be so young and beautiful.

MARY:

Thank you, sir, but all the flattery in the world won't change my mind.

HOPEWELL:

I welcome the opportunity to try, Mrs. Travis, perhaps over dinner this evening.

MARY:

I look forward to it, Governor. But I think I'll be the one persuading you.

HORACE:

Hey! It's liver-eatin' Jones. What are you doing here?

VIN:

All right, let him go.

CHRIS:

Break it up.

HORACE:

He's liver-eatin' Jones, the notorious killer.

JONES:

I've seen the light, boys. I've changed my evil ways.

HORACE:

Yeah, sure, you have. The Governor's got a lot of death threats, and he's just the weasel to do that sort of thing.

CHRIS:

Can you prove that accusation?

HORACE:

Who are you?

CHRIS:

I'm the law in this town.

JONES:

My gun's hung up. And I swore off drink, too. Now, I'm drunk on God.

HORACE:

You're a liver-eatin' liar.

CHRIS:

Unless you can back up those charges with facts, this man is free to go.

VIN:

Go on, get out of here.

CHRIS:

Jones, we'll be watching you.

JONES:

I won't so much as spit on the street.

HORACE:

Any harm comes to the Governor, it's on your head.

CHRIS:

You thinking what I'm thinking?

VIN:

Some folks might consider 10,000 a bargain to get rid of a man in the Governor's position.

CHRIS:

Well, anybody who's willing to pay that kind of money for a killin' ain't gonna give up easy. Keep your eye on Jones.

VIN:

All right.

CHRIS:

Governor, can I have a word with you?

HOPEWELL:

These are my people, sir.

CHRIS:

Well, one of your people might want you dead. You ever heard of a man called Lucius Stutz?

HOPEWELL:

Is he a supporter?

CHRIS:

No. He's an assassin. Found him in his hotel room dead. I got reason to believe someone paid him $10,000 to kill you.

HOPEWELL:

$10.000. Well, then, I must be doing something right. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a rally to promote.

CHRIS:

My advice is you cancel it.

HOPEWELL:

You know who you're talking to, sir?

CHRIS:

I could be talking to a dead man if you get up in front of those people tomorrow.

HOPEWELL:

Well, then, so be it. 'Cause that's exactly what I'm gonna do. The truth will not be silenced!

EZRA:

It's... When it comes right down to it, I do believe Chris considers me a larcenist.

JD:

Nah, Ezra. I think he just doesn't trust you with money.

EZRA:

I'll admit I made a strong case on our behalf. But he can't seriously think that I'd abscond with it.

NATHAN:

You know, I wish I knew what to say, Ezra.

EZRA:

You know, I can endure the torments of Hell, and I believe I have to the benefit of this entire town. But I cannot abide the fact that my associates don't trust me. No, sir.

BUCK:

You naughty girl.

LOUISA:

I just have strong beliefs.

MARY:

Except in the First Amendment - Freedom of Speech. Perhaps you've heard of it.

LOUISA:

I would hate to see this lovely town fall victim to economic collapse. Or, worse, be ravaged by Indians.

MARY:

Oh, yes, the old Indian threat. That's worked well for your side out here, hasn't it?

LOUISA:

Do you seriously think that they'll just sit by and let their tribal lands be turned over to the state? Not a chance. We'll have war. And you, with your yellow hair and your green eyes, will make a prized Indian bride.

MARY:

Oh, please. The only ones afraid of statehood are the ranchers because they'd lose their hold on the land. And your Governor Hopewell, he's in their pocket.

BUCK:

Now, ladies. Ladies.

LOUISA:

Good day, squaw.

MARY:

You do that again, I'll have Mr. Wilmington here arrest you.

MARY:

Nothing like a good debate to set my blood astir.

YOUNG STUTZ:

A wise man is strong. Yea, knowledge increaseth strength.

JOSIAH:

You know your Proverbs, son.

YOUNG STUTZ:

Hoped some of your congregation might wish to learn 'em, too. Each page is lined in genuine gold leaf, and it's fully illustrated. See? The Preacher in the last town bought a whole case for his congregation.

JOSIAH:

Well, you're looking at my congregation, son. But, uh, thank you very much.

YOUNG STUTZ:

Consider it a gift. Maybe it'll grow on you.

BUCK:

You are just full of surprises. I've got a feeling even if I spent the rest of my life with you, you'd still be surprising me.

LOUISA:

I'd keep you on your toes.

BUCK:

I'd keep you in my heart.

LOUISA:

I just can't resist that twinkle in your eye, or the sweet smile on your face, and all that corn coming out of your mouth.

BUCK:

All I know is... being here with you... it feels like home.

LOUISA:

I just wish I could stay longer with you.

BUCK:

What's that supposed to mean?

LOUISA:

I've got to move on to Kettleston.

BUCK:

What the Hell is in Kettleston?

LOUISA:

A rally, I hope, as long as I'm there to organize it, Buck... this is just one stop on a long tour for the Governor.

BUCK:

So, when are you coming back?

LOUISA:

I don't' know for sure, sugar. But I sure hope it's soon.

JOSIAH:

And the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made - and he said until the woman, yeah, hath God said, ye shall not eat of every tree in the garden. Destroyer of kingdoms. You caused our fall. I will not be tempted.

JD:

It's a great job, huh? Getting paid to watch people eat. What's the matter, Buck? You look like your horse died.

BUCK:

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

JD:

Yeah, you're right. Stupid me. Thought it might have something to do with that lady who works for the Governor.

BUCK:

All right. I don't know. She'd not perfect, all right? And I know I'm not perfect. But we're perfect together. There is something about her.

JD:

Whoa, hold on. It ain't possible a woman's finally tamed Buck Wilmington.

BUCK:

Yeah, well, don't worry, J.D. The woman of my dreams turned out to be a... ramblin' rose.

JD:

You know, you're serious about her, Buck. Make her stay.

BUCK:

Lincoln freed the slaves, J.D.

JD:

What I mean is... marry her.

BUCK:

You know, there's something really wrong if I'm listening to you about women.

JD:

Good advice.

HOPEWELL:

So, old Bertram, he realizes there's no way he can win. But on the eve of the election, he goes out, he gets the entire town drunk. Come election day, everyone's too hung over to vote. Except Bertram. One vote cast. One vote counted.

MARY:

That's a good story

HOPEWELL:

I have important stories I could steer your way. Turn the Clarion into the most influential newspaper in this territory. And you, my dear, into a powerful editor.

MARY:

From the sound of it, I must already be a powerful editor. Why else would you offer me such a generous bribe?

( laughs ) You are truly a charming woman, Mrs.Travis.

( Whispering ) Josiah. ( Laughing ) Josiah. Josiah. Josiah. Josiah.

EZRA:

They won't trust me to guard the money, and yet I'm required to sit here and observe this cretin's disgusting display of manners.

BARTENDER:

Gives me the willies picturing him eating men's livers.

JONES:

Cow liver, not people liver. Ain't many folks enjoy the taste of liver, but I do. That's how I got the name.

EZRA:

Oh, and what a charming moniker it is, too. Mr. Jones, where, may I ask, do you suppose you're going?

JONES:

Outhouse.

EZRA:

What a better way to finish a fine meal. Oh, I'm not going in there. If I gotta die, I'd rather hang.

HOPEWELL:

I'd sure like to have you on my side.

MARY:

Promise to give women the vote and I'll consider it.

HOPEWELL:

That'd be political suicide, my dear.

MARY:

Then I guess we'll agree to disagree.

HOPEWELL:

A pity.

( Gunshot )

Stay down, Governor, stay down.

JD:

Everybody, stay down. You all right, Mrs. Travis? I'll see what I can find.

HOPEWELL:

Mary, are you hurt?

CHRIS:

J.D. What was that?

JD:

Shot at the Governor right through the window. Just missed him.

CHRIS:

Where's Jones? He been out of your sight? I asked you if he's been out of your sight.

EZRA:

Surely, you don't expect me to follow him into the outhouse?

CHRIS:

Get 'em up!

JONES:

I ain't got no gun. I didn't do nuthin'

CHRIS:

You can do nothin' just as easy in jail.

LOUISA:

Mmm. Buck, my goodness.

BUCK:

I've got something to say. And if I don't spill it fast, I'm not gonna get it out, OK?

LOUISA:

But I -

BUCK:

Shh. Louisa, darlin'. I have never met a woman like you in my life before, and I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna meet one like you again. And I have never pictured myself parking my boots in one place for too long, but now, I can't imagine my life without you. What I'm tryin' to get at is...Will you marry me?

LOUISA:

Marry you? I -

BUCK:

Marry me. I know I I I...it's nothin' and I don't have much to offer. But I love you. I love you.

LOUISA:

I love you, too.

BUCK:

Yeah.

LOUISA:

That's what makes it so sad.

BUCK:

Sad?

LOUISA:

Buck, I'm not cut out to be a wife. My life, my work - it's on the road. You may be ready to park your boots, but I'm not.

EZRA:

Hark. You're always so willing to dispense advice to others in need. See, it's just that, um, all my life I've always gotten that... look, you know, that tilt of the head, that - that question in the eye - can I trust him? You know, I always hoped that my friends knew me better.

JOSIAH:

Let the wicked forsake his ways, and the unrighteous man his thoughts. You think you know what kind of man you are?

EZRA:

I know I've earned some measure of respect, of trust.

JOSIAH:

You blame your friends? Blame yourself! Look inside your own heart, Ezra. Face your own demons.

EZRA:

Now, you hold on just one minute, Josiah.

JOSIAH

I am the serpent, Ezra. And this is the apple. Take a bite.

EZRA:

Will you wait -

JONES:

Somebody get in here! I wanna talk to somebody! I wanna talk to somebody!

JD:

What are you hollerin' about, Mr. Jones.

JONES:

The Lord spoke to me, told me I got a chance to save a life to pay for some of the ones I took.

JD:

You might start by telling us who hired you.

JONES:

I ain't fired a gun in almost a year.

NATHAN:

Come on, now. That shot fired last night was fired from long range. Missed the Governor by an inch.

Sounds like your style.

JONES:

Only I never missed. I ain't proud of what I was, but I was good at it. It had to be Stutz.

NATHAN:

Stutz is dead!

JONES:

Not Lucius, his boy. They're partners.

NATHAN:

What's this boy look like?

JONES:

Regular as you or me, 'cept he's got a dead eye. Wears a glass one now. Looks almost normal. Almost.

JD:

A sharpshooter with one eye.

JONES:

Yeah. Made him a better shot, so he's happy about it. But the Mayor of Kettleston ain't. They killed him last week.

JD:

And how do you know that?

JONES:

Read all about it in that newspaper of yours. Long range, right between the eyes. Had to be one of the Stutz's.

HOPEWELL:

How long before the rally?

HORACE:

About a half-hour.

YOUNG STUTZ:

Could I interest you gentlemen in a bible? Only cost you $10,000.

HORACE:

What the Hell are you doin'? It's broad daylight.

YOUNG STUTZ:

I got expenses. The bible business is real slow around here.

HOPEWELL:

You deal with this, Horace.

HORACE:

Your Pa was paid $10,000 to do 5 jobs. You ain't done but two.

YOUNG STUTZ:

Bad enough I lost my Pa. Now all my money's gone with him, too? If your Rangers still want them last three silenced, they gotta pony up.

HORACE:

I'll take care of it.

YOUNG STUTZ:

You ain't got long. Keep that. You might need it.

JOSIAH:

Glass eye? I've seen that guy. He was sellin' bibles.

VIN:

All right., then let's find him.

CHRIS:

Buck, J.D.

BUCK:

Stick with the Governor.

CHRIS:

The rest of you spread out. Check every rooftop, every window.

JD:

Every eyeball.

CHRIS:

We wanna know who hired him, so take him alive. Josiah, the money well hid?

JOSIAH:

I give it to Ezra.

CHRIS:

Ezra? What's the matter with you?

JOSIAH:

It's servin' a purpose.

NATHAN:

Yeah, makin' Ezra rich.

Chris:

All right. We'll deal with this later.

Josiah:

Let's go catch some bad guys.

CHRIS:

A bullet between the eyes. Just like Jones said. So that's a Governor and a Mayor they've gone after. Both long range.

MARY:

Wait a minute. That sounds like something that happened in Dry Springs. The sheriff, I think. Yeah, here it is. Last month. Killed the same way. But this doesn't make any sense. Both were strong advocates for statehood.

CHRIS:

Mary, it's not the Governor who's the target.

MARY:

But that shot last night -

CHRIS:

That was meant for you.

LOUISA:

Ladies and gentlemen, there area precious few moments in life when we get an opportunity to stand up for greatness, when the political tide threatens to sweep us away, but we dig our heels into the earth and hold our ground.

CHRIS:

I can't let you go out there.

MARY:

I'm not gonna stay in here based on a hunch.

CHRIS:

This man's a professional killer.

MARY:

Well, I'm certainly not gonna just sit here and wait for him to come after me. I worked too hard for this. I'm going.

CHRIS:

Mary.

MARY:

If I don't go, they'll have won without even pulling the trigger.

CHRIS:

All right. I'll go with you.

LOUISA:

And at this time, I ask you to join me and stand up for greatness and for your Governor Clayton Hopewell

( Cheering )

HOPEWELL:

Thank you, Louisa. And as my banker will confirm, I am surely no Eastern financier.

( Laughter )

HOPEWELL:

I'm one of you, the proud son of a dirt farmer who dreamed of a free and prosperous life out here on the frontier. Now... some of our very own friends and neighbours want to surrender my Father's dream and your dream to the federal government to become a state!

( Jeering )

HOPEWELL:

Are we gonna let 'em do that?

CROWD:

No! No! No! No! No! No!

MARY AND CROWD:

Join the great! Be a state! Join the great! Be a state!

EZRA:

I saw Stutz He's in the crowd. He's not going long range. We gotta get the Governor down.

CHRIS:

It ain't the Governor he's after. It's Mary.

MARY AND CROWD:

Join the great! Be a state!

CHRIS:

We gotta go. Now.

MARY:

But-

CHRIS:

Come on!

MARY:

No Chris, I don't wanna go! Please!

CHRIS:

We gotta go. Come on.

MARY:

Chris, wait!

CHRIS:

Now.

( Gunshot )

( Screaming )

CHRIS:

Get back!

YOUNG STUTZ:

Step back or she's dead!

BUCK:

You hurt her, and I'm gonna make you die slow and painful.

BUCK:

Back off! Let her go. Let her go.

CHRIS:

Who hired you?

HORACE:

He was reaching for his gun. I'm glad I was here.

HOPEWELL:

Folks...There's nothing to worry about. The situation is well in hand. We can't let our cause be diverted by the desperate act of our opponents.

MARY:

You saved my life.

EZRA:

I did? I did.

CHRIS:

You done good, Ezra.

NATHAN:

He'd be dead if it weren't for this.

EZRA:

Mr. Larabee, in the future, I believe it would be best just not to burden me with other people's

money.

CHRIS:

Yeah.

CHRIS:

You forgot your money.

HOPEWELL:

I'm sorry? I have no idea what you're talking about.

VIN:

Stutz was paid this money to kill at least three statehood advocates.

BUCK:

But you wouldn't know anything about that, now would you?

HOPEWELL:

Are you insinuating that I had something to do with it? I resent the implication. I'm the Governor of this territory, and I will not stand by and listen to my good name be dragged through the mud. Louisa, you handle this.

LOUISA:

No.

HOPEWELL:

Louisa.

LOUISA:

I quit.

HOPEWELL:

Horace. Well, then...I suggest you gentlemen produce more evidence before you sully a man's good reputation.

VIN:

He's lyin' so loud his teeth are rattlin'

CHRIS:

I know. Can't do anything about it.

BUCK

So...I hear you're out of a job.

LOUISA

But not a career There's still a lot of work to be done for this territory and this country. But, you know, I've been thinking. I don't see why we still can't get married.

BUCK

Is that right?

BUCK:

This way.

LOUISA:

Long as you're willing to come on the road with me.

BUCK:

Me? On the road?

CHRIS:

How you feeling, Ezra?

EZRA:

Well, I'll be shufflin' one-handed for a while, but otherwise, I'm right as rain.

CHRIS:

All right.

EZRA:

Oh, uh, by the way...What are we planning to do with that money?

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