No Place Like Home

by J. Brooks


From the files of the Four Corners Sheriff's Office . . .

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
2:30 p.m. December 15

LARABEE <STOP> ARRIVED SAFELY <STOP> NOTHING HAPPENED UNTOWARD <STOP> WILL ADVISE AS INVESTIGATION PROGRESSES <STOP> REGARDS STANDISH <END>

+ + + + + + +

Senate Hotel & Saloon
Topeka, Kansas
December 15th

Dear Buck, Chris, Josiah, Nathan and Vin,

Topeka is amazing! Wish you were here! You should see this town! Have you ever been? I didn't know they had cities this size in Kansas! Ezra counted 36 saloons between the train station and our hotel. Speaking of the train, we went right past Dodge City on the way here! The train was supposed to stop, but the conductor decided to push straight through to the capital after the second holdup. I can't say I blame him, but I hope we can stop on the way back. I'd sure love to meet Bat Masterson.

I was kind of surprised train robbers were operating anywhere near Bat Masterson's territory. Guess they know better now. The ones who are still alive or awake do, anyway. We hog-tied the bunch of them in the baggage compartment until we could hand them over to the Topeka police. You should have been there! The railroad security guy says he's never heard of a train getting held up twice in one run. He thinks we might have set some sort of record for the Santa Fe & Western line.

I'm not sure the first holdup should count, though -- they never got aboard. Ezra spotted them galloping up alongside the train, waving dynamite, and he started shooting them through the train window -- without pushing the glass down first. Sure cleared out the dining car in a hurry.

Did you know they have little ladders on the sides of trains so you can climb up on the outside of the cars? You should try it sometime! You can get a really good bead on anybody galloping alongside, trying to rob the train, that way. I tried to explain that to Ez, but I don't think he bought it. He was madder than anything by the time he pulled me in through the window. (It's really hard to keep your balance on top of a moving train, did you know that?) I still say I would have been able to pull myself back up, but Ezra didn't give me a chance. He sure can swear. I never heard of half of the words he was using.

So no matter what the railroad tells you, the damage in the dining car wasn't our fault. Maybe all the broken windows, a little, but the bullet holes in the walls and tables are really, really not. They shouldn't blame us just because the bunch of robbers riding in the next car over got all excited when we started shooting at the first bunch! We didn't have too much trouble taking care of those fellows either. Mostly. Ezra's pretty upset about the hole in his jacket. I was more upset about the hole in him, but he says he's fine. A doctor on board patched him up and I'll pick up some more supplies before we head out this afternoon. The sooner we find what we came for, the sooner we can get home.

Hope everything's good back in Four Corners. Say hi to everybody for me -- Inez and Mrs. Travis and Billy and Mrs. Wells and Yosemite and Mrs. Potter and Casey if she asks about me. Ezra thinks we can get things finished up here by the end of the week and be home in time for Christmas!

See you then,
JD

+ + + + + + +

To: The Honorable Orrin Travis
From: Ezra P. Standish

Re: December Expense Report
Miscellaneous Expenditures Dec. 14-15:
Upgrade of two round-trip tickets to Topeka, Santa Fe & Western Railroad, from third to first class: $40
Meals: $10.56 (receipts enclosed)
Bill for assorted damage to windows, paneling, furnishing of train dining car: $137.12 (forwarded to your office by railroad authorities)
Tailor bill, one jacket (green): $15
Replacement, one shirt (French-cut silk): $15
Sundries (bullets, antiseptics and unguents, medicinal spirits): $16.94 (receipts enclosed)
Upgrade from reserved rooms in railyard boarding house to suite in Senate Hotel: $20 per night (receipts enclosed)

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
10:15 a.m. Dec. 17

THERE IS NO NEED FOR THAT SORT OF LANGUAGE MR LARABEE <STOP> MR DUNNE AND I ARE QUITE WELL <STOP > MEANWHILE OUR INVESTIGATION CONTINUES WITH ALL DUE DILIGENCE <STOP> KANSAS GROWS TIRESOME <STOP> REGARDS STANDISH

+ + + + + + +

Senate Hotel & Saloon
Topeka, Kansas
December 17th

Dear All:

Ugh. I've had just about enough of Topeka. I've visited I don't know how many shops and I still haven't found anyone that recognizes the laundry mark on the fancy handkerchief the robber dropped during the bank holdup last month.

I mean, we know the store's SOMEWHERE in Topeka -- Ez swears he's seen that mark before. But it's a big city. Once we do find the store, we should be able to get a name if we give them our description of the guy who dropped it. How many shifty-looking customers with red hair and only one arm would a store see in a year?

We just got your telegram about Nathan and Buck coming. That's great! Ez has been kind of dragging for the past couple of days. He isn't too happy with me for telling you about the train and him getting shot up and all. He says "the incidents on the train, while disruptive, were not germane to this investigation, and as such did not warrant mention in my report to our associates." He's said it about six times now, so I'm pretty sure I've got the wording right. Plus, he says he's fine. I say Nate'll have something to say about that when he gets here.

Speaking of here, did you know they've got a whole bunch of people running around Kansas trying to get alcohol outlawed? Can you believe that? Can they do that? There's a whole bunch of schoolmarm-looking ladies in black bombazine crowding around the saloons, praying and waving signs and yelling at men for abandoning their wives and children to drink and gamble.

They jump at Ezra every time he shows his face on the street. Guess he looks especially wicked. I think he's taking it kind of personally. You know how he feels about saloons. He says he doesn't like the look in some of the ladies' eyes. I keep trying to get him to rest, but he keeps sneaking out of our rooms to keep an eye on them -- can't imagine what for.

Anyway, we're still hoping to get back to Four Corners for Christmas. It'd be nice to have everyone around for the holiday.

JD

p.s. Have you seen Casey around town? Has she asked about me?

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
11:30 a.m. Dec. 19

MR LARABEE <STOP> SUCCESS <STOP> HANDKERCHIEF SUSPECT IDENTIFIED AS ALFRED MACREADY AKA FREDDIE MACREADY AKA FIVE-FINGER FREDDIE <STOP> CONVICTED BANK ROBBER CURRENTLY SOUGHT BY TOPEKA AUTHORITIES <STOP> PREPARING TO RETURN HOME AS SOON AS MISTERS JACKSON AND WILMINGTON ARRIVE <STOP> E P STANDISH <END>

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
1:54 p.m. Dec. 19

CHRIS <STOP> JUST IN <STOP> NOBODY IS GOING ANYWHERE <STOP> FOOL IS RUNNING A FEVER <STOP> KEEP YOU POSTED <STOP> NATHAN <END>

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
1:55 p.m. Dec. 19

MR LARABEE <STOP> I AM FINE <END>

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
1:56 p.m. Dec. 19

HEY CHRIS <STOP> ME AND JD GOING TO LOOK AROUND FOR MACREADY <STOP> LONG AS WE ARE STUCK HERE ANYWAY <STOP> BUCK <END>

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
7 a.m. Dec. 20

CHRISTOPHER LARABEE <STOP> PLEASE CONFIRM STATUS OF B WILMINGTON AND J DUNNE AS DULY APPOINTED PEACEKEEPERS IN FOUR CORNERS <STOP> BOTH ARRESTED LAST NIGHT <STOP> CHARGED WITH DISTURBING THE PEACE AND UNLAWFUL DISCHARGE OF FIREARMS WITHIN CITY LIMITS <STOP> TOPEKA POLICE SGT M L CURLEY <END>

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
7 a.m. Dec. 21

CHRISTOPHER LARABEE <STOP> PLEASE CONFIRM STATUS OF N JACKSON AND E STANDISH AKA SIMPSON AKA SULLIVAN AKA SUTTER AKA STEVENSON AS DULY APPOINTED PEACEKEEPERS IN FOUR CORNERS <STOP> BOTH ARRESTED LAST NIGHT <STOP> CHARGED WITH DISTURBING THE PEACE AND INCITING A RIOT AND ARSON AND DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY AND INDECENT EXPOSURE AND LEWD CONDUCT <STOP> TOPEKA POLICE SGT M L CURLEY <END>

+ + + + + + +

To: The Honorable Orrin Travis
From: Ezra P. Standish

Re: December Expense Report (continued…)
Miscellaneous Expenditures Dec. 20:
Bill for total destruction of Senate Hotel & Saloon: (under negotiation, estimate to be wired to your office by the firm of Smiegel & Smiegel Attorneys At Law)
Bill for incineration of entire liquor stock of Senate Saloon: (see above)
Bill for medical treatment, transportation, meals, lodging and medicinal spirits for the Women's Christian Temperance League of Greater Topeka: $96.77 (sworn affidavits enclosed)
Replacement of entire traveling wardrobe of E.P. Standish, not to exclude luggage, personal toiletries and assorted items of sentimental value: (itemized estimates enclosed)
Sundries (medicinal spirits, largely): $37.04 (receipts incinerated)
Bail: Not yet met. Awaiting your earliest convenience.

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
4:14 p.m. Dec. 21

CHRIS <STOP> JUST ARRIVED <STOP> VIN AND I OFF TO BAIL OUR WAYWARD BROTHERS OUT OF JAIL <STOP> JOSIAH <END>

+ + + + + + +

Telegraph Office, Topeka, Kansas
6:30 p.m. Dec. 21

LARABEE <STOP> PLEASE CONFIRM STATUS OF J SANCHEZ AS DULY APPOINTED PEACEKEEPER IN FOUR CORNERS <STOP> ARRESTED THIS AFTERNOON IN COMPANY OF LONG HAIRED MAN WHO REFUSES TO GIVE HIS NAME <STOP> BOTH CHARGED WITH ASSAULTING POLICE OFFICERS AND ATTEMPTING TO ORCHESTRATE A PRISON BREAK <STOP> PLEASE DESIST IN SENDING PEACEKEEPERS TO TOPEKA <STOP> SGT M L CURLEY <END>

+ + + + + + +

Topeka Jail
December 23

Chris:

Now, don't get mad. We can explain. Well, I can, anyway. The other five voted and decided I should be the one to tell you what happened.

See, it all started with me and Buck tracking down Five-Finger Freddie to his favorite saloon -- the Senate. Yeah, the hotel where me and Ez have been staying for the past week. He didn't take too kindly to us trying to take him into custody and there was some fighting and maybe a little shooting. The police didn't take too kindly to that. And the liquor-hating ladies who were picketing outside REALLY didn't take too kindly to all the gunplay.

So while we were cooling out heels in jail, the ladies were getting a little hot under the collar. Late that night, this Temperance League marches on the Senate after hours, waving hatchets and torches and threatening to smash and burn every bottle in the place. Only there's somebody inside -- Ezra. And he's only wearing a nightshirt, 'cause Nathan had him tucked in bed and doped up on some potion. Well, a nightshirt and a gunbelt. But I don't really think he would have pointed a gun at a bunch of ladies, even if they do hate saloons. Then Nate shows up yelling and the ladies go from screaming about the sight of Ezra's legs to screaming about the sight of a black man in a room with them in the middle of the night. Like they think Nate's going to grab them and pour demon rum down their throats or something. He drags Ez off to the side and the ladies go charging around the saloon, whacking everything in sight with their hatchets.

Next thing you know the saloon is on fire and the whisky kegs are exploding like popcorn and the ladies are screaming and fainting and Nate and Ez are trying to hustle them outside. They barely got everybody away before the whole building blew up. Nathan got caught in the blast and knocked out cold for a whole day. Scared the rest of us to death.

Did I tell you they locked Buck and me in the same cell with Five-Finger Freddie? That's how I got my broken nose. And if anybody asks, that's how Freddie lost all his front teeth.

Then they brought in Ezra, with his nightshirt still smoking from the explosion. They tried to lock Nate in some separate part of the jail, away from the white prisoners. But Ezra just waited for the guards to leave, pulled a piece of wire out of one of the bunks, picked the lock and we all trooped over and locked ourselves in with Nathan. Then pretty much everybody but me fell asleep for the next day. Ezra was still sick and Buck had a bunch of cracked ribs from where Five-Finger Freddie hit him with a bar stool. The jailers talked about tacking an escape attempt onto our charges, but they finally settled for wrapping a couple of padlocks and chains around the door.

It was starting to look like we were going to be locked in 'til doomsday. Then Josiah and Vin showed up. We heard all this yelling, and then a bunch of jailers just went flying through the air past our cells. It was the most amazing thing. Josiah takes one look at us and grabs the bars like he's going to tear them out of the wall. And Vin grabs the wire lock pick from Ezra and starts working on the locks. Josiah actually bends one of the bars and Vin has two of the locks undone before the guards run up and jump all over them. Nate's pretty sure Vin's wrist is cracked and Josiah's still throwing up from the concussion.

They've got our cell padlocked, roped and under 24 hour guard now. When you come -- you are coming for us, aren't you? -- they want you to just wait at the front desk and they'll release us into your custody.

So you can see that even though none of this is our fault, we've really, REALLY been punished enough. Now would you please, please bail us out?

(signed)

JD
Buck
Ezra P. Standish
Nate
Josiah Sanchez
VIN TANNER

+ + + + + + +

Emporium Hotel
Topeka, Kansas
December 25

To: Miss Casey Wells
From: JD Dunne

Merry Christmas, Casey! I'm sorry I couldn't -- we couldn't -- make it out to your aunt's house for Christmas dinner this year, but I wanted you to know I -- we -- were thinking about you.

Like the postcard? It shows the Senate Hotel. Or what used to be the Senate Hotel. Now it's a Senate-sized hole in the ground. I'll tell you all about it when we get back, if you want.

Everybody's relaxing in the hotel common room right now. Chris got in from Four Corners two days ago and we've been resting up ever since. (Did you hear we caught the bank robber?) The hotel is all decorated with pine and holly and ribbons and glass ornaments and they made a really great Christmas dinner for us this afternoon. I'm the only one awake right now -- the couches in the common room are pretty comfy. I snuck out yesterday and got some little gifts for everybody and Chris brought a whole bunch of stuff from Four Corners with him (tell your aunt the gingersnaps were terrific).

We're going to head back home tomorrow or the next day. We're planning to stop in Dodge City on the way. Ezra says he thinks Bat Masterson ought to meet me.

JD

THE END

Comments to: JenBr11@aol.com