Want and Need
Alternate Universe: Family Matters
Note: This bit of PWP is set some six months before the events in Charlotte's 'In the Beginning'.
Webmaster Note: This story was rescued from a "data dump" of the defunct DrinkinNFightin list. It is possible that it is not the finalized version that was originally archived at the list's website, dnf.slashcity.org, which was successfully 'wiped' from the internet.
Buck looked across the open space dividing the ranch from the barn. In the rapidly fading light he could make out the lean, dark form of his lover, leaning over the high corral fence, feeding 'Life Savers' to Pony. It hadn't escaped Buck's notice that all the other horses had been put away for the night. This wasn't their first Halloween together as a couple, and Buck was used to Chris' moods not just at Halloween, but at Thanksgiving and Christmas too, the Fall wasn't a good time of year for Chris. When Buck returned to the ranch that night, he found, for the first time in his memory, the gate shut. As he approached the house there had been no lights on, no welcome glow at the windows. He knew Larabee was home, his truck was parked under carport next to the barn. After ridding himself of the suit he had been forced to wear for a long and very boring court appearance, he had come out onto the veranda and finally spotted Chris.
Buck's heart sighed and went out to the man he loved more than life itself. Halloween was for kids, perhaps even more than Christmas it was children's holiday, and Adam had loved it. He would pester his mother for weeks to find out what surprise costume she was creating for him and then, taking his father's hand on one side and his mother's on the other, set out to go 'Trick or Treating' among their friends and family. Buck had always had a date and a party to go to, but he would stay in until his Godson came calling. Adam had been 'Trick or Treating' only three times in his short life, but the look of joy and mischief those three nights brought to his face were etched in Buck's memory forever.
Chris had told him that he had loved Buck for years, that had Buck even once shown him that he felt the same way, that their relationship was more then just fuck buddies, he would never have married. Even after he married, had he ever thought Buck would or could return his love he would have left Sarah - but only before Adam was born. As much as he did love Sarah, and Buck had little doubt he did, it was nothing compared to his love for his son. And it was his loss, more than Sarah's that had so devastated Chris, and it was that loss that still created a deep black hole in his lover's heart that would never truly heal.
Buck took a deep breath and stepped out into the deepening gloom.
"Hi," he greeted softly.
Chris didn't look around.
"Hi," he responded, his voice low and raspy. "How'd it go in court?"
"Continuance, took 'em all day to decided that." Chris snorted, conveying their mutual contempt for lawyers. "Do you reckon ol' Pony's gettin' hungry out here?" Buck asked, knowing that by now all the other horses would have finished their evening feeds.
"Nah, not so long as I keep giving him what he wants." He handed the horse another mint. "So long as he keeps getting what he wants, he doesn't think about what he needs."
Buck felt his gut tighten, was that what he was, a distraction? Was he just a way for Chris not to think about that he had lost but still needed, a family, children?
"But they aren't good for him, he needs proper food, something that will last, see him through the night and not rot his teeth."
For the first time Chris looked around at him and smiled. "Yeah, that is true," he admitted.
"I'm gonna go and start cooking, how does meatballs and pasta sound?"
Chris' quick smile briefly lit up the night. "Sounds real good."
+ + + + + + +
The meatballs and sauce came out of a tin, the pasta plain and simple, but it was a good meal, one of Chris' favourites, yet it was eaten in near silence. After they had finished they settled on the large saggy couch in front of the fire. Buck brought over the brandy Ezra had given Chris for Christmas and poured them both a good-sized measure. For a long time they just sat, side by side, sipping brandy and watching the fire. Eventually, with the brandy gone and the fire dying down, Buck eased himself up gently, crossed the room and added a couple more logs. When he returned he was a little surprised, albeit happily, when Chris lifted his feet up and dropped his head down to rest in Buck's lap.
On the anniversary of the fire and on Adam's birthday, Chris would be come morose, drowning his memories in alcohol, but tonight he was melancholy. Buck didn't think he had ever seen anyone who so embraced the whole meaning of the word. As they sat there, Buck let his fingers trail through his lovers soft corn blond hair, that in the flickering fire light seemed to be touched with gold. He sighed, hoping that it would sound like a sigh of contentment. He was content, but the sigh that escaped had more to do with his inner fear. He wasn't what Chris needed, he might be what he wanted, but what he needed was a family.
+ + + + + + +
"You remember how Adam loved tonight?" Chris suddenly asked.
"Yeah, yeah I do," Buck admitted softly, not sure where Chris was going.
"That last time, he was so excited because he was dressed as a cowboy - you know why?"
Buck almost froze were he was. "No," he finally admitted.
"He said 'Now I look like Uncle Buck', he always thought of you as a real cowboy - did you know that?"
Buck frowned, he hadn't known and was genuinely intrigued. "No."
"When you came over to work with the horses, you always looked the part, check shirt, big white hat, Levi's, those fancy tooled boots, sometimes you even wore a bandanna, to him you were a real cowboy."
"I just wore what felt comfy, and you gave me them boots."
Now it was Chris who sighed. "I know, I just remembered him that way, so excited he was going to see you, dressed like you. You're a natural with kids."
"They like me 'cause I'm like them, you know I never really grew up. You're a great father, I couldn't do that, Sarah always said I was a great uncle, but I'd make a lousy father."
Chris didn't refute his partner's claims, even thought he knew them to be untrue. Buck was an uncle to Adam because that's what he needed. Adam was an only child, living on a ranch that was more than two miles from the nearest neighbour's. Buck was playmate and big bother to him, high on fun, low on discipline. Adam didn't need a second father - he already had a great father. Sarah hadn't been able to see past the persona Buck projected, the ever jovial, fun loving Buck - a role he played that not only kept Adam happy, but also hid his hurt every time he saw the man he loved in the arms of another.
Chris knew that there was some truth in what his lover had said, there was a lot of the child left in Buck. And while Buck saw it as a failing, Chris saw this as an advantage. His lover could identify with children, he could see through their eyes. Buck deserved to be a father, it was right that he should be, and by staying with Chris he would never have that opportunity. It was a conclusion he had been coming to for some months now; Halloween had brought it to a head.
He could see no way to persuade Buck to give up what he wanted - Chris - for what he needed - family, kids. He could try to drive Buck away, for his own good, but then he'd tried that and look what happened. He could try and persuade him to go, but Buck was as stubborn as a jack ass mule with an attitude problem. So he resigned himself to letting the situation go on as it was. He would have Buck, the man he loved, wanted, needed. And Buck would have what he wanted, and loved - for he did love Chris of that he had no doubt - but not what he needed. Maybe there would come a time when Buck would realise what he had given up, and want it, but not now, not yet, not tonight. Tonight he would let Buck make love to him, if he did nothing, if he just lay here, with his head on his lover's lap, Buck would make the first move, and he would let him lead. He would lay back and let himself be slowly pleasured. It wasn't something that happened often, most of their lovemaking was fairly intense and no one was dominant. But tonight he would let Buck love him and the black thoughts, bittersweet memories, and the doubts would be chased away - until the next time.
The End